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f*male b*tch

@ahhmandah.bsky.social

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just a brain floating in a jar of formaldehyde. you can't come to my birthday ok you can

📍 tāmaki makaurau aotearoa nz on te kawerau-a-maki land

if you didn't vote stop reading this right now. you're grounded
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 2 hr
after driving home & changing into a bunnings shirt & undies and removing a few buckets of seaweed I chucked some gumboots on and nipped down to the gull to put some air in my tyres but it was full of cop cars & men in handcuffs on the ground and one guy standing nearby with a can of Cody's & a vape
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 9 hr
avocado isn't in season, is mush OK?
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 10 hr
me: if women had been the captain the titanic wouldn't have sunk men: oh come on, the titanic wouldn't have been BUILT without men me: I mean... then it definitely wouldn't have sunk
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 11 hr
look at all the things you're allowed to do in this park!
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 13 hr
today I met Ken (not pictured) at the beach in the rain - he was there waiting for the "oystercather chaos moment." when it's about to absolutely hammer down with rain & they all go still then sprint over to the grassy reserve across the road where the worms are all squeezing out of the ground
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 15 hr
it's absolutely fucking adorable how much money and time people spend on learning to scuba dive just so we can be like WHOA look at these cool fish, fuck they're cool
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 20 hr
there ia a new crew of people every 100 years!!! we are all in this together!! so be kind to our fellow crew!!!! except to my lift nemesis who yesterday barked "five" at me, wanting me to press the button for him, so I calmly said "nine hundred and forty" what, I thought we were just saying numbers
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 21 hr
"aunty manda, what was it like when the crowdstrike patch happened?" [gazing off into the distance] it was awful, darling. I was at paknsave and the lady in front of me was a massive bitch to the checkout operator. I usually paid by credit card to rack up airpoints, but that day I had to use debit
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 21 hr
imagine being the person who hit enter on the Crowdstrike update yesterday. the only person in the world who brings that Lesson Learned with them to a new job. ironically highly employable in that context but also career-fucked at the same time
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · a day
yes absolutely. this should definitely be $53 worth of groceries. in fact I wish it cost MORE for the cheap cut of pork, a sparkling water and a tonic water, avo mush, a couple or capsicums & cucumbers, some cloths and a few potatoes.
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 2 days
where can I buy msg in auckland? my local Asian grocers and Japan mart don't have it. if I keep eating this much salt I'm going to blow up like a fluid retention balloon and have a heart attack. but I need the umami I NEED IT I eat salt straight, it's like crack for me. as far as vices go it's PG
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 2 days
I showed my gen z assistant this today and asked if she knew what it was. she said "is it like a telephone cubicle thing? I feel like I've seen them in the movies" then 7 minutes later she suddenly yelled "THE MATRIX" bitch do you want this job or not
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 2 days
are you allowed to say "excuse me, can you please shuffle over" "can you please move?" "can you guys get out of the way please" "MOVE" "oh my GOD are you people thick, share the footpath you fucking idiots" on Queen St to a slow family of 7 with mouths agape at being in a city just now
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 3 days
I know it's rough out there, hope this helps. it cold outside but we are warm inside
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 4 days
I wish I could have a massive moan about my old assistant on here but instead I'll just say my new one is fucking incredible. imagine someone who doesn't resent being asked to do their job!!! THERE. I did both at the same time teeeeeehee
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 4 days
I've seen all these tiktoks where americans get so many amazon packages that they have a cooler full of drinks and snacks for the delivery people. what are they BUYING and how did they get all that MONEY
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 4 days
"kids these days are always online" kids in nz have ALWAYS been online
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 4 days
I want anyone who's ever been british style fox hunting to die a savage and merciless and painful death. imagine being a fox just living your life then being chased by a pack of dogs and wimpy simpering pricks on horses and running for your life screaming WHY COUSIN as the dogs tear you apart
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 4 days
fuck I love living in a warm dry house. never had that when renting. heat pump is on, I have insulation top and bottom, and thermal blinds & drapes. better than when I lived in a house where the wallpaper billowed in the wind, or the villa with a ceiling that dripped on my pillow & rotted my stuff
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 5 days
how is Australia ok with deporting people who have committed crimes in Australia and gotten involved with Australian criminals, when the people moved there at 6 months old and have never lived in nz, ever? 3,000 deportations! no wonder the nz crime rate is rocketing www.stuff.co.nz/nz-news/3503...
Stuffwww.stuff.co.nz
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 5 days
apparently I'm so confident in me and my dog's ability to murder an intruder that I left both gates, the front door AND the back door all wide open last night. influenza hits your brain hard but not as hard as you hit some cunt who home-invades you (bad shoulder? can't be me)
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 6 days
when you speak a few languages but haven't used them actively in a while you can still dream in them but EVEN BETTER is when your coldral night & day-addled brain mashes them all together and you find yourself in your dream saying things like "uomini to issho ni hui mashouka e hoa? bien bien yeah"
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 6 days
I got up early to walk the dog but it's shitting down outside and she hates the rain and loves the cosy and refused to get up and now I've gone online and gotten angry about conspiracy theorists and awful american activity. thanks very MUCH
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 6 days
why are orthopaedic surgeons not calling their offices a "local breakery"
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 6 days
what kind of clothes do epileptics prefer? ...ones that fit what does an epileptic peeping tom do when he looks in your bedroom window? ...seizure what's the only good thing about developing epilepsy? you are allowed to make jokes about it, if you see fit
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 7 days
not to be pro assassination but how the hell do you get close enough to shoot that bloviating buffoon in the head and MISS THE MAIN PART. he's 1.9m tall with a giant head ffs. he's just gonna be a martyr now and win the election and we're stuck with another 4 years of watching the american shitshow
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 8 days
cauli crisis but exceptional lemons
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 8 days
me walking dog on leash with headphones on lady: strokes my back from behind me, ripping headphones off: holy FUCK you gave me a fright. are you ok, how can I help? lady: I think your baby want a pat me: oh no thanks - have a good one lady: ok well there's no need to be a fucking bitch about it
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 8 days
it has been HUMBLING to be sick this week. I haven't been actually sick in years. the flu jab has given me a reprieve I think, I do think it's flu as my temperature was spiky and repulsive and my lungs have been hot and tight and my enemies have been on my mind and absolutely deserve this experience
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f*male b*tch @ahhmandah.bsky.social · 9 days
being told "you need to chill, it's ok to make mistakes every once in a while" then being criticised for chilling and making a mistake? chef's kiss followed by a massive punch in the face