Used to be: athlete, biologist, cosmetic chemist, lube chemist, factory manager and polymer scientist. Now I pretend to be a med device engineer and listen to myself get fatter
My coworker recently has been promoted. He now attempts to manage by guilting me into things which is always met with a get the fuck out of here attitude and he entirely appreciates it.
In the mid 2000s I had a little mental breakdown and told my parents I was moving home for a bit to pick up the pieces. The town was so boring that I'd get drunk at a chilis and go see a movie a block away to sober up. I did this a few times a month for the year I was home then moved away.
My wife and I balance each other out. She stops me from starting a charity dedicated to handing free guns to the homeless and I convince her to eat something for dinner other than cereal. We keep each other centered.
My friends wife wanted to practice her professional photo taking so she threw a party and told everyone to dress professionally. After the first good one she would say, "Now a silly one," so I took my pants off.
Ten years later and it's still one of my favorite photos. It encapsulates me so well.
My work offers temporary gig jobs to do in other departments to keep bored employees in the network. I interviewed in quality engineer post today and in the interview they were like this is for our managers job... Oh... Well then... Awkward...
The kind of bad parent I am: The one year old was about to run into the road and I couldn't get to him so I zipped a fast (kids) ball at him and knocked him over instead.
During our high school American football practice our coach would come out to the field during stretching and yell, "Happy hump day, gentlemen!" That elicited some light humping at first but evolved into a pile of teenage boys faking sex. He stopped saying happy hump day after the second fuck pile.
Our daughters friend (and her parents) who are from another country came over for a playdate. I would be damned before I served them bland food. Went HARD on the seasoning. I'd rather be judged for anything other than serving under seasoned food.
Sometimes I think about how one plant genetics researcher was at a conference and openly said he was flush with cash and looking for grad students then said his research was sponsored by an evil corporation so I didn't pursue it out of morals. 15 years later I wonder if my morals were worth it.
I remember my parents let my teenage cousin take me to a Long Island Columbus Day fair when I was 7ish. At one point she said, "You want some zeppoli?" Then she gave me money and said, "Stay in this line. I have to go fight a girl. I'll be right back." I'm 38 and just realized this wasn't normal.
I'm very confident in who I am and what I like. Never any wavering from what I'm interested in. That said, when Bridgerton comes on I go, "The Duke can come get it..."
I found a lump on a testicle last week. The doctor friend was very compassionate. Everyone else, including my wife, made mean jokes. It ended up being an infection and not cancer. Now they're saying REALLY mean jokes. On has to respect the restraint they used when I might die.
I still feel bad about the pre therapy time when a kid I was coaching was about to take me down for the first time, he literally yelled YES 9/10ths of the way the takedown, but just before it happened I did a backflip out of his hold. He screamed NOOOOO! I can still hear his dreams be crushed.
I was reminded that eight years ago I wrote a project budget justification and closed with, "I'm currently doing the best I can with what I have but one can only put so much lipstick on a pig." I was particularly unhinged at that job.
Sometimes I apply to old jobs and write a cover letter about knowing the role extremely well which is why I'm the best candidate. Almost always it closes with, "Hi, (former bosses name)".
One boss texted me asking for an interview. I told her I was busy.
One of the joys of a testicular cancer scare is getting to text your doctor friend that, despite her having available appointments, you will not be asking her to evaluate your genitals. Being friends with me is never boring.
Me: I want to run another marathon.
Everyone that loves me: Please don't.
My enemies: Dude! Don't.
Medical professionals: You should figure out your lane.
My body: You're almost crippled from injuries and neglect.
Me: I think I should plan for a other marathon.
What haunts me is the article I read 20 years ago where women were asked what made them decide to sleep with their partner. One answer was, "The way he drove. It was confident. Fast but not aggressive." I've wondered what the hell that looked like ever since.
Every time someone tells me they're in the best shape of their life at 40 I immediately assume they didn't have enough anger problems and enjoyed being home in their teen years.
