it feels weird to say "I've been transitioning for three years and x months" because while that might be when I decided there was no going back and committed for good, I had known for years and just wasn't in a position to act on it. but in the years leading up to that, I was still taking steps
I was never under the impression I was a boy/man. I did put a lot of effort into trying to appear that way at times, but it was always a performance for other people's benefit, and I knew that even before I could articulate it
pretend to be who your parents tell you to be. act like the person they want in this graduate program. read the expectations of the job interviewer and mirror them back. observe your friends and be the kind of friend they seem to need. spend your whole life pretending
looking back, I like the person I was pretending to be pre pandemic. he was a good and kind and generous person, in ways I don't always have the spoons for anymore. but he was never real. it was all a facade
a friend told me once that I killed *deadname*, with the implication that they needed his help. and I couldn't say, I'm still that person, I'll help you. I'm not that person and I couldn't do what they needed. but it was a weird moment. sometimes I wish I still had him around, too
every now and then I see something that was important to me back then, but that I don't feel the same way for anymore. a book, a show, a place. it feels like they belong to an old friend. a shared memory. nostalgia for a time that was never real
I’m 46 and knew 40 years ago. Started HRT in March of 22, but five years before coming out I started wearing exclusively women’s T-shirts, pants and stuff. All my friends knew by the time I was 20, but the date I celebrate is HRT and all staff email to work, now 28 months ago. Ty for this thread 💕
I'm in a similar boat, been medically transitioning for five months to this day but taking steps since before I really came to grips with being trans, even if I didn't realize at the time "there may be more than I'm thinking to my whole gender situation" to myself like two years ago was egg cracking
Character limits throttled my ability to phrase that in a way that doesn't feel like I'm having a stroke reading it back, but I think the idea is there
