The Seven Stages of AI Grief (for Artists)www.mcsweeneys.net Stage Zero: Unwelcome Discovery
Your rather unrefined friend sends you a link to an AI-generated violin concerto.
“Cool, right?!” she texts, follow...
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The Millennial CAPTCHAwww.mcsweeneys.net The Millennial CAPTCHA
What Your New York City Tourist Recommendation Says About Youwww.mcsweeneys.net “You MUST see The Lion King.”
The last time you were in New York, Michael Bloomberg was mayor and nobody knew what a cronut was.
“Why not try kayak...
Comic Book Onomatopoeia and Their Real-World Counterpartswww.mcsweeneys.net Ha!
A mistaken vocal inflection produced by the waitress when you mentioned you have a boat.
Oh!
Often produced involuntarily when you realize you ...
Can You Believe This Cabin Has Trivial Pursuit?www.mcsweeneys.net Kids, come quick! While this little cabin may not have Wi-Fi, TV, or even bathrooms, you know what it does have? A well-worn copy of Trivial Pursui...
How to Ensure Your Annual Beach Vacation Destroys Your Relationship with Your Extended Familywww.mcsweeneys.net Originally published July 26, 2023.
- - -1. Rent one big house together. Working “together” to choose a house, everyone should drag their feet and ...
President Whitmore from Independence Day Debates His Challengerwww.mcsweeneys.net Originally published July 2, 2019
- - -The full transcript from the CNN Presidential debate between President Thomas Whitmore and challenger Govern...
We Apologize That Instead of July Fourth Bunting, We Accidentally Shipped You a Box Full of Snakeswww.mcsweeneys.net As America’s seventh-ranked patriotic bunting company, we’re proud to fulfill all of your Fourth of July decorating needs this year. Also, due to a...
Kafka’s Joke Bookwww.mcsweeneys.net Why did the chicken cross the road?
It had been crossing so long it could not remember. As it stopped in the middle to look back, a car sped by, sp...
How I Imagine the Drafting of the Declaration of Independence Would Have Gone If the Founders Had Been Eating Buffalo Chicken Pizzawww.mcsweeneys.net THOMAS JEFFERSON: Pizza’s here!
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What’s on this? Is this blue cheese?
JOHN ADAMS: Can I have a piece with less blue cheese on it?...
Introducing McSweeney's Internet Substackencymcsweeneysinternettendency.substack.com Another in a series of attempts to help get people to see our work via a social media platform.
How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative on the Fourth of Julywww.mcsweeneys.net If someone’s go-to Fourth of July song is Springsteen’s “Born in the USA,” they’re conservative.
If their go-to Fourth of July song is “American Tu...
Why “The Star Spangled Banner” Should Be Replaced by Mastodon’s “Crusher Destroyer” as Our National Anthemwww.mcsweeneys.net “The Star-Spangled Banner,” like the American flag, has been shoehorned into so many aspects of American life that we accept its ubiquity as normal...
This Bar’s Not Normally Like Thiswww.mcsweeneys.net Hey, so great to see you! Sorry, the bar’s so crowded tonight; it’s not normally like this. Usually, you can grab a booth, no problem, but it looks...
Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Planwww.mcsweeneys.net Dear Hospital Staff:
Thank you and congratulations for being on shift for the birth of our child. The following sets forth our wishes for our stay....
Supreme Court–Approved Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of Julywww.mcsweeneys.net Have a cookout
The Fourth of July is a great opportunity to gather your friends and family outside and eat some burgers and hot dogs. On the land t...
A Day in the Life of a Target-Market Femalewww.mcsweeneys.net At 6 a.m. on the dot, the 25- to 45-year-old target-market female wakes up and stretches with delight, excited to greet the day.
For breakfast, the...
Peri(menopausal) in Pinkwww.mcsweeneys.net Middle-aged Andie Walsh lives in a Chicago suburb with her underemployed and estranged husband, Mike, whom she can’t afford to divorce, because the...
FAQ: Canadawww.mcsweeneys.net Is Canada socialist?
Canada is a constitutional monarchy with a parliamentary system. While it fully embraces a capitalist economic infrastructure...
Our Food Tells a Storywww.mcsweeneys.net When we first opened NEVERTHELESS, a West Village bakery rooted in my family’s rich traditions of Sardinian pastry and throat singing (cantu a tenó...
Writing Advice to My Students That Would Also Have Been Good Sex Advice for My High School Boyfriendswww.mcsweeneys.net Assume your audience is skeptical and easily bored.
Avoid making bold assertions you’re unprepared to back up.
It’s generally better to delve deepl...
Writer Mathwww.mcsweeneys.net If you think a piece is 100 percent done, it’s actually 45 percent done. To get it to 100 percent done, you can’t.
If you think you need “just a fe...
Good News, Husband: I’ve Become a Tradwifewww.mcsweeneys.net Hi, sweetie. Remember how you told me that your childhood crush was Laura Ingalls Wilder? And that you think America is in the toilet? Well, you’re...
Questions Kevin McCallister Should Have Asked Donald Trump At The Plaza Hotel In Home Alone 2www.mcsweeneys.net Scene from Home Alone 2:
KEVIN McCALLISTER: Excuse me, where’s the lobby?
DONALD TRUMP: Down the hall and to the left.
- - -Mr. Trump, if you were ...
What I Thought My Life Would Be Like After Decanting All My Spices into Mason Jarswww.mcsweeneys.net 1. My decision to spend sixteen dollars on these Mason jars would inevitably coincide with a sudden, inexplicable change in my personality, from so...
Your Son’s Transplant (to Brooklyn) Was Successfulwww.mcsweeneys.net Mom, Dad, we just wanted to assure you that your trust-fund son’s transplant was a success.
We weren’t too concerned—transplants to Brooklyn have a...
An Open Letter to Wyna Liu, the New York Times’ Connections Editorwww.mcsweeneys.net Dear Wyna Liu, Editor of Connections:
My morning ritual used to be a time of peace and solitude. A sacred time in which I’d gather up the energy to...
Gandalf Must Step Aside and Let a Younger Hero Save Us from Sauron Lest We Lose this Middle-earthwww.mcsweeneys.net “On the biggest stage in US politics, Biden did not meet their modest expectations. And by the end of the 90-minute showdown, the Democratic presi...
It Was Not an Insurrection—It Was a Group of Innocent Patriots on Their Way to Two-for-One Taco Night at Chili’swww.mcsweeneys.net All right, folks, for some reason, my colleagues across the aisle and a tiny, insignificant group of traitorous individuals from my own party seem ...