Jacob was angry and rebuked Laban. ‘What is my crime? How have I wronged you?’ he began to sob. ‘I mean, I worked for you all those years to get into your daughter’s panties. That’s gotta count for something!’ - Genesis 31:36
Rachel said to her father, ‘Don’t be angry that I can’t stand up in your presence; I’m having my period.’
Laban screamed, ‘TMI! You know how backwards and squeamish I am about menstruating women! Hell, I used to make your mother sleep in the shed.’ - Genesis 31:35
Then God came to Laban in a dream and said to him, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad; he’s in one of his bitchy moods.’ - Genesis 31:24
The angel of God said to me in the dream, ‘Jacob.’
I answered, ‘Here I am.’
And he said, ‘Look up and see that all the goats are mating. Now ask yourself, Jacob, “Why am I dreaming of goats mating? And why do I like it?”’ - Genesis 31:11-12
Jacob made his goats mate in front of striped branches, and they bore stripy young. Unfortunately, two goats mated while looking at Jacob’s busty milkmaid and bore camels. Two others mated looking at a rainbow and bore Jacob’s amazing technicolor dreamgoat. - Genesis 30:37-39
Rachel said to Leah, ‘Please, give me some of your son’s mandrakes.’
But she responded, ‘Fuck off, you husband stealing hussy!’
‘If you give me some mandrakes, I’ll let you screw Jacob.’
So Leah agreed to exchange mandrakes for Jacob’s hot man-shake. - Genesis 30:14-16
When Rachel didn’t bear Jacob any children, she said to Jacob, ‘Impregnate me, or I’ll kill myself!’
Jacob became angry with her and said, ‘My sperm worked on your sister! This sounds like a YOU problem!’ - Genesis 30:1-2
When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he decided that rather than making Jacob love her, he would make her super-fertile, because bringing kids into a loveless marriage solves EVERYTHING. - Genesis 29:31
When morning came, Rachel was standing outside the tent looking angry. Jacob cried to her, ‘Oh no! Even though Leah looks nothing like you, and she said, “But I’m not Rachel,” several times while I was frogging her, I accidentally screwed her.’ - Genesis 29:25
Did you know that if you take the entire length of a rabbit’s digestive tract, from oesophageal to colon, and stretch it out in a long line, you’ll be fired from your jobs as a birthday magician?
Jacob was in love with his cousin Rachel and he worked for seven years to get her. After the seven years were fulfilled, Laban sent his daughter Leah to Jacob’s tent. Jacob dragged her inside and spent the night making crazy monkey love to her. - Genesis 29:20-24
Laban said to Jacob, ‘Just because you’re a relative, don’t think you can get off without working.’
Jacob replied, ‘You’ll have to pay me.’
‘What do you want?’
‘I want to fuck your daughter!’
‘Fair enough,’ replied Laban. - Genesis 29:15-18
When Isaac caught the smell of Jacob’s clothes, he said,
‘Ah, the smell of my son
is like the smell of a field
that the Lord has blessed.’
Jacob replied, ‘Yeah, I just came from the field, and while I was out there, the Lord “blessed” all over me!’ - Genesis 27:27
Rebekah said to her son Jacob, ‘Look, I overheard your father tell your brother Esau that he is going to bless him. Go quickly and take the blessing in his place.’
Jacob replied, ‘But my brother Esau is a hairy man while I have smooth skin.’
Once when Isaac was cooking stew, Esau came running into the house, his face all bloodied. ‘What happened, my son?’ asked Isaac.
‘Jacob, the bastard, stole my birthmark!’ replied Esau, crying.
‘He what?’
‘I was on the swing, and he just came and ripped my birthmark from my face!’
When the men of that place asked him about Rebekah, Isaac said, ‘She is my sister,’ because that lie worked out so well for his dad. One day, King Abimelek looked in Isaac’s window and saw him banging Rebekah. So Abimelek vomited in their window box.
The babies kicked inside Rebekah, and she said, ‘Why is this happening to me?’
So she went to enquire of the Lord. The Lord replied, ‘You’re as bad as your husband. It’s normal for babies to kick. Calm down.’ - Genesis 25:22-23
Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, saying, ‘Have you tried having sex with her?’
And, miraculously, his wife Rebekah became pregnant. - Genesis 25:21
Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years. And he was gathered into a ball and rolled into a cave. - Genesis 25:8-9
Abraham said, ‘I want you to swear to God that you won’t let Isaac marry any of those stinking Canaanites.’
‘That’s kind of racist,’ replied his servant.
Abraham replied, ‘I don’t care, I want him to marry a family member like I did.’
The servant asked, ‘What if the woman is unwilling to come back?’
Abraham was now very old. He said to the senior servant in his household, ‘Put your hand under my thigh. I want you to cup my balls.’
The servant did so.
‘Ha ha!’ laughed Abraham. ‘I can’t believe you did it!’ - Genesis 24:1-3
Then Abraham rose and spoke to the Hittites. He said, ‘Sell me a tomb so that I can bury my wife.’
The Hittites replied to Abraham, ‘You are a mighty prince among us. Bury your dead in the choicest of our tombs.’
Abraham replied, ‘Oh, she’s not dead.’ - Genesis 23:3-6
Then God said, ‘Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and sacrifice him as a burnt offering.’
Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the Lord called out, ‘LOL JK.’
And Isaac was all like, ‘WTF?’ - Genesis 22:2-12
Some time later, God said to Abraham, ‘Take your son Isaac and sacrifice him as a burnt offering on a mountain.’
Abraham, being the righteous man he was, didn’t have to give it a second thought. He replied, ‘Okey dokey,’ and set off the very next morning. - Genesis 22:1-3
Then Abraham complained to Abimelek that his servants had stolen his well of water. But Abimelek said, ‘How the fuck could anybody pick up a hole in the ground and carry it away?’ - Genesis 21:25
