England are through to the final of Euro 2024.
The Tories have been voted out.
I’d just like to suggest to the person with the magic lamp that they use their last wish very wisely.
Just realised that in only 2 years time it’ll be 30 years since Three Lions (Football’s Coming Home) was released, so in 2026 it’ll be the same time difference between England winning the World Cup and the song release and the song release and the present date, and that’s made me feel quite ancient.
In this heat, pretend you're on holiday abroad by drinking beer at 8am and then going to Asda wearing a bikini and flip flops to buy 4 giant bags of crisps and a bottle of water.
I often see a woman in the park picking dandelions. I found out today she picks them for her 32 years old tortoise, Stanley, that her late husband bought her as a 17th wedding anniversary gift (the traditional gift for 17 years is shells) as she’d wanted a tortoise since she was a child.
Instead of an “Accountancy Apprenticeship”, I just accidentally told someone my daughter was doing an “Apprenticey Accountantship” and this is why I prefer staying at home, talking to my dogs, rather than interacting with people.
People who are unironically using the term ‘Jenny Lec’ for the General Election no doubt also count down in sleeps till they go on their holibobs with their gawjus famalam to chillax and totes legit can’t wait for wine o’clock on Fri-Yays to have a cray cray cheeky sesh babez.
7am - So tired I could WEEP.
9am - I’ve got so much to do but no energy.
12pm - Can’t stop yawning.
4pm - Is it bedtime yet?
6pm - HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm - Perkier.
10pm WIDE AWAKE!
12am - Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am - Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards!
Me when the washing machine timer says 1 minute left until the cycle finishes
vs
Me when the washing machine cycle actually finishes and I can open the door
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I’ll be 48 in a few days and I’m still not ashamed to admit that, in the days leading up to my birthday, I get a certain amount of pleasure when I see food or drink packaging which has my birthday as its expiration date.
Don’t think I’ll be able to top meeting 4 dachshunds called Gary, Steve, Kevin and Dave in the park a couple of weeks ago, but I just met 2 schnauzer puppies called Sandra and Denise, which came a close second.
Overheard in card shop today.
Assistant: You’ve got 3 cards. If you buy 4, you get 1 free. Anyone else you could get one for? Family? Friend? A neighbour?
Very sweet looking little old lady: Oh, no thank you, dear. I’m not buying one for my neighbour. I hate that old cow.
Stages of owning a toastie maker.
1. OMG! Just remembered we have a toastie maker. Why don’t we ever use it?
2. Find toastie maker.
3. Make tons of toasties.
4. Remember it’s a bugger to clean.
5. Get bored of toasties.
6. Put it back in cupboard.
7. 6 months later, repeat stage 1 etc.
You know how care homes for elderly people have dances where they play music from the residents youth. Just thinking what it will be like when us 90s kids are in homes and Jump Around causes 6 residents to break a hip and 3 to choke on their dentures trying to do the running man.
I can see the logic in this, and it’s quite a clever idea for brides (as it is a bastard having a wee in a wedding dress), but I really can’t take it seriously after seeing the last photo.
I think it’s pretty diabolical that some people are saying the Princess of Wales’ Mother’s Day picture may have been photoshopped. It’s a beautiful photo.
