sadly, tifa’s plans to adapt “the cask of amontillado” never came to fruition because of difficulties filming the climactic scene. “i just felt bad,” she later reflected, “about the idea of, you know, bricking her into a wall. even though aeris was actually pretty okay with it. which was weird.”
TI-FA: A Girl Who'd Kill for a Shower at the Bound of this World was released in 1996 for the NEC PC-98 computer. the story, which follows the protagonist (tifa lockhart) as she travels between parallel worlds to solve the mystery of where to take a shower, revolutionized the erotic adventure game.
in chunsoft’s groundbreaking 1999 hit “mystery dungeon: tifa the wanderer,” the titular heroine fought through the 49 randomly generated floors of “7x7th heaven,” armed only with her katana, her weird floating hat, and her pet ferret aerith [sic]. the title essentially invented the “tifalike” genre.
many of us who were watching “good morning america” in 1999 remember tifa’s december appearance on the show. as an IT expert, tifa was able to clearly convey to the public the importance of turning your computer off on new year’s eve lest Y2K blow it up. she saved an estimated twenty million lives.
peter norton never forgave tifa for burying him in the utility software market. norton cynically attributed the success of 1987’s TIFA UTILITIES to “the babe on the cover,” but in fact Tifa UnErase, Tifa Disk Doctor, and Tifa Format Recover were all faster and more reliable than his own offerings.
tifa’s famous 2002 “spring break” photo shoot was, as she wrote, “a knowing (final) fantasia on spring break—I wanted a vision of spring break (a day at the beach with me) that not even the most hopeful of frat boys could ever actually expect to experience. I wanted to drive these kids to despair.”
kenneth branagh’s 2006 film “hamlet” transposed the classic play to a japanese setting. critics praised tifa’s performance as the titular prince but were less enthused by aeris’s ophelia. branagh memorably defended the casting choice by claiming that “ophelia was the original dipshit flower girl.”
tifa will pretend not to notice if you start trying to hack an innocent bird to death, and we at Quality Tifa Content love her for this. the dipshit flower girl may look on in horror and judge you, but our queen? never.
some wonder about the lore implications of this statement. what, they ask, could tifa possibly have meant by this? who is “god” in the “final fantasy vii” universe? but the answer was made clear in “crisis core”: their god is the japanese singer, musician, record producer and actor known as “GACKT.”
tifa wonders if any of the programmers out there could be man enough to work on soft co., ltd’s “the last jesuit” — the highly anticipated role-playing game in which she is the last jesuit priest on earth — for windows 94 (print advertisement, game developer magazine, feb-mar 1997 issue).
some slander tifa lockhart by saying she “enjoyed” 9/11. but as she has explained many times, she was simply hungry and in the mood for popcorn that day. yes, she should have considered the optics. yes, to have eaten popcorn while watching 9/11 was maybe a bad look. but it did not mean she approved.
mainstream christians, in their ignorance, think the book of tifa apocryphal. yet jesus was by all accounts a man with nice hair; that he was a bachelor all his life strains credibility. it is equally absurd to think mary magdalene, the "aeris of galilee," ever appealed to him. jesus was a tifa guy.
in 1997, tifa lockhart's short poem "condor's egg" hatched a new literary form. condoric verse, as we now call it, has a deceptively simple structure with its alternating tri- and hexasyllabic lines. tifa's later english translation of the iliad famously rendered the epic entirely in condoric verse.
we at Quality Tifa Content tend to avoid "picture discs" because of their poor sound, but for a tifa picture disc we must make an exception: yes, the audio quality may be low, but the tifa quality is high. some qualities are more important than others, and we at Quality Tifa Content understand this.
this special “date scene” was only included in FINAL FANTASY VII: TIFA VERSION, which FINAL FANTASY VII: AERIS VERSION unfortunately outsold by a factor of 9 to 1 (consumers may have erroneously believed the tifa version was some sort of crossover featuring the unrelated GUNDAM X character “tiffa”).
most of these pictures of “tifa lockhart and neil armstrong on the moon” are indeed believed to have been taken on the moon by buzz aldrin. only a few were taken on a hollywood sound stage by stanley kubrick, whose help nasa famously enlisted for a lunar trial run (the so-called “stanley scrimmage”)
these pictures of tifa lockhart crossing the delaware on december 25th, 1776 are some of the only extant photographs documenting the american revolutionary war. the evidence suggests that even in that age of primitive and expensive cameras, tifa was already the most photographed woman in the world.
