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The Empty Press

@theemptypress.bsky.social

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We're TheEmptyPress, AKA "The Old Dark Lady". We write worthless, satirical garbage. Also, we're not an AI, we're just bad at what we do.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 2 days
REPORTS: Crooks had just finished binging the latest season of True Detective #Trump #DonaldTrump #HBO
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 4 days
Not for nothing, but #DonaldTrump IS a #WWE Hall of Famer.. #Trump
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 4 days
Has anyone seen Mike Pence, lately? #TRUMP #DonaldTrump
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 4 days
“This has nothing to do with the fact that I find myself increasingly irrelevant in a world that cares less and less about my encyclopedic knowledge of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers” #CanMNT #CopaAmerica2024 #Soccer #Football #Euro2024
Commentator who hates Soccer just happens to make a living talking about other sports - The Empty Presstheemptypress.com OTTAWA – As the famed UEFA Euro and Copa América champions come to an end, Canadian media is buzzing after numerous reporters criticised the beautiful game, insisting that it pales in comparison to Ho...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 6 days
"We've seen similar attempts attempts by youngsters in the past, including assertions that Aaron Judge did not deserve the MVP over Shohei Ohtani, but the public showed considerably more resistance due to their secret agreement with the statement" #Pizza #NewYorkCity #NYPizza #NYC
New York terrorised by teens randomly approaching strangers and telling them the pizza sucks - The Empty Presstheemptypress.com NEW YORK CITY – Gotham residents are reeling, and lamenting a decline in public safety, following a spate of seemingly randoms attacks by groups of teenagers in which the delinquents approach unsuspec...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 7 days
Tell us you get your talking points from American think tanks without telling us you get your talking points from American think tanks. #OPSEU #LCBO #DougFord #Fahrenheit
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 9 days
“Sometimes, down by the harbour, the wind whips up a chillin’ chill that can only be soothed by dunkin’ your dreams into the hip hoppin’ hot bubbles of the tub with our headliner Killer Mike” #KillerMike #HFXJazzFest #Halifax #Entertainment
Haligonians looking forward to annual Jazz Festiddy vestiddy bee doop bop bop.. - The Empty Presstheemptypress.com HALIFAX – Residents of the old Ocean Playground are pullin’ up a chair and raisin’ an ear to the sweet stylings of the Halifax Jazz Festival for the year double-twenty-plus-four. A staple of Caesar’s ...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 9 days
Considering the sources, we're not sure if #KFCCanada is really going all-#Halal in Ontario but, if so, we think it's nice that they're trying to be more inclusive.. ..We just wish someone had told them that #Sikhs can't eat Halal meat. #KFC #MaybeMakeYourBoardMoreDiverseFirst
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 12 days
#FunFact: A Turtle is a reptile, and not an internet puzzle game #Turtles
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 13 days
#WeatherNetwork #ClimateCrisis #CDNPoli #TheWire
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 14 days
Just great work all around, @globeandmail, now talk about all of the special favours and perks Ukrainian refugees received, that refugees of colour could only dream of getting. #cdnpoli
Globe editorial: Harjit Sajjan failed Canada, and Canadianswww.theglobeandmail.com The former defence minister compromised the mission to airlift people with links to Canada out of Kabul in 2021
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 14 days
The rain.. is falling on GRASS. Honest to god GRASS. Undisturbed, bright green, and SO big! You’d be lucky to find a front garden in this city bigger than a service court! #UKPol #tennis #Wimbledon #Wimbledon2024
Londoners irate after rain delay interrupted by tennis match - The Empty Presstheemptypress.com WIMBLEDON – Residents of the capital of the United Kingdom are finding themselves furious after their yearly celebration of rain delays was rudely interrupted by a tennis match. “It’s bollocks!” raged...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 14 days
Man beaten to death with racquet after spelling #Wimbledon with a tee #tennis #Wimbledon2024 #Wimbleton
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 14 days
Dartmouthians will long remember Jul 2nd, 2024 as "That one, special, day that everyone else was the joke" #NeverForget #NSPoli #Halifax #Water
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 14 days
Advice for aspiring satire writers: HAHAHA Leafs! Works every time. #LeafsForever #NHL #hockey
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 15 days
You gotta love how a story in #Halifax, which normally doesn't even garner attention in its own country, can go international, if the press sees a chance to start a race war. Throw in two White girls as victims, and you've got yourself some news porn. #NSPoli #LGBTQIA
Mob of 'middle eastern men' brutally beat lesbian couple out celebrating a birthdaywww.lbc.co.uk Terrifying video footage shows the moment a mob brutally beat a lesbian couple who were out celebrating one of their birthdays.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 16 days
So.. a Pretendian.. is actually.. Indian.. and this stuff has reached a whole new level of weird. #Pretendian
Canadian woman gets three years’ jail in first ever sentencing for a ‘Pretendian’www.theguardian.com Karima Manji, whose daughters accessed over C$150,000 in benefits for Inuit residents, pleaded guilty in February
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 16 days
Today we mark the origin of the phrase "Ontario and Quebec get friggin' everything" #NSPoli #NBPoli #ONPoli #QCPoli #CDNPoli #CanadaDay
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 16 days
"We've actually documented similar incidents as a result of the sight of any large, white, pickup truck" #NSPoli #Halifax #ABPoli theemptypress.com/nova-scotia-...
Nova Scotia facing ocular-health crisis due to drivers instinctively rolling eyes at Alberta license plates - The Empty Presstheemptypress.com HALIFAX – The Nova Scotian College of Ophthalmologists is issuing a public health warning after identifying an increasing trend of muscular strain in patients eyes, as a result of naturally developed ...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 17 days
Good question #JordanPeterson. Maybe there would be more room for them if schools got rid of all those legacy slots taken up by dumb, lazy, Whites. Sincerely, Asians who don't need, or want, your condescension
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 18 days
Given recent history, you really wouldn't expect a 28-year-old clip of Jerry Seinfeld to seem all that relevant, but then.. #TOTHECORE #BlueJays
Raw MLB @rawmlb.bsky.social · 18 days
[Blue Jays] ROSTER MOVES: 🔹 We’ve recalled RHP Jose Cuas from Triple-A 🔹 LHP Tim Mayza designated for assignment https://www.rawchili.com/3562069/ [Blue Jays] ROSTER MOVES: 🔹 We’ve recalled RHP Jose Cuas from Triple-A 🔹 LHP Tim Mayza designated for…
ROSTER MOVES: 🔹 We’ve recalled RHP Jose Cuas from Triple-A 🔹 LHP Tim Mayza designated for assignmentwww.rawchili.com ROSTER MOVES: 🔹 We’ve recalled RHP Jose Cuas from Triple-A 🔹 LHP Tim Mayza designated for
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 19 days
Habs brass to fans after drafting Demidov: "So, we're cool on the whole passing-on-Michkov thing, now, right?" #NHLDraft #GoHabsGo
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 19 days
"There won't be a dry-eye in the house. Or a focussed-eye" #Hockey #NHL #StanleyCup #TimeToHunt #LetsGoOilers #LeafsForever
Stanley Cup parade organisers looking forward to confirming every negative stereotype about hockey players - The Empty Presstheemptypress.com FORT LAUDERDALE – With the Florida Panthers crowned NHL champions, organisers of the team’s championship celebration festivities are excited for the opportunity to confirm the public’s negative opinio...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 20 days
That's a strange design. Shouldn't the Brown arms be behind, or just to the side of, the White arms, and not actually doing anything? #MulticulturalismDay #TimUppal #CDNPoli
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 20 days
We've added a blog to our blog! For our first entry, we figured we’d play #JohnOliver, and demystify (or remystify?) some of the stuff you’ve been hearing about #Sikhs, #Khalistan, #assassinations, #AirIndia182, and #Canada. #cdnpoli
Sikhs! They're just like us! - Part 1 - The Empty Presstheemptypress.com Big news! We’ve added a blog.. to our blog. In this space we’re going to periodically post content that is 30% less satirical and 24% more useless in an effort to inform the public and massage our nar...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 22 days
Oil proves once-again to be high-priced commodity that can't be counted on when you need it most #LetsGoOilers #TimeToHunt #StanleyCup #ClimateCrisis #hockey
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 24 days
At this moment, #VincentChin should be happily enjoying his retirement, with his wife of 42 years. He isn't, because of America. #StopAsianHate
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 25 days
Adjustments to Star Wars Universe condemned by same guys who called you a "dateless virgin" for camping-out to get "Phantom Menace" tickets. #BabylonBee
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 25 days
Based on reports, the comments were posted on Mr. Bombito's instagram page, after he committed the serious infraction of existing. #CopaAmèrica2024 #CanMNT #CopaAmerica2024 #Football #Soccer
Canadian soccer player subjected to racist comments because of course he fucking was - The Empty Presstheemptypress.com OTTAWA – Statements of shock were expressed by, we assume, White people, because literally no person of colour with half-a-fucking-brain should be remotely surprised, today, after a member of Canada’s...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.bsky.social · 1 mo
Ironically, #RileyGaines seems like a massive dick.