Writer, comedian, illustrator, blogger and international woman of mystery. Sworn enemy of the Swedish Yule Goat. Writer of jokes in The Beaverton and Cracked.
you don't become old on your 30th birthday, you become old the first time you scroll past a high school picture of your friend on social media and then realize, with creeping horror, that you are actually looking at a recent photo of their teenage child
"we never used to have all these women in their 30s suddenly getting diagnosed with ADHD"
listen, I wouldn't have even noticed I have ADHD if I lived in an era where my doctor could ask if I want to lose 5lbs and then hand me enough amphetamines to see the face of God
moderator: how will you address climate change?
Trump: first of all, Joe Biden has been terrible with the blacks. We have great numbers with the blacks. Maybe the best ever.
Biden: [wheezes like meemaw's 19-year-old blind Bichon trying to go home to God]
Moderator: thank you
it’s so important to remind young people that their lives won’t end at 30. their lives will end in a war fought over earth’s dwindling supplies of clean drinking water, probably when they’re like 28.
true crime documentary narrator: how did this missing persons case go unsolved for more than 20 years?
police officer: yeah so the family reported their daughter missing and then we told them that she was probably fine and didn't look for her at all
my elderly Egyptian Uber driver happily informed me that he “supports the gays now” because he lives with a lesbian couple and “the husband lesbian is a better husband than I was”, happy pride everyone
[doing a Google search in 2012] having instant and reliable access to relevant websites is fine, but I’d really prefer to have all my questions answered by a deranged version of Microsoft Clippy that tells me to eat glue
I’ve been in Paris for 72 hours and I regret to report that walking 16,000 steps per day and complaining about things over 2-hour lunch breaks has immediately fixed my entire life
once upon a midnight dreary
while I wandered, weak and weary
over to a quaint and curious icebox door
when I spotted what I had been craving
the plums that you were probably saving
for your breakfast, I am sure
forgive me please, I do implore
I ate those plums and nothing more
having now seen a total eclipse I can confirm that if I had had even 20% less context for what was about to happen I would have immediately started throwing people into nearby volcanos
important eclipse safety tips:
- never look at an eclipse without eye protection
- ensure your eclipse glasses are ISO 12312-2 certified
- do not listen to the whispers of the faceless men who emerge during totality, they speak only lies
- always supervise children closely
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
my mom asked my French husband his favourite type of cheese for the family cheese boards, thinking he'd maybe want some Brie, and now she has to hike into the hills of central France to retrieve a cheese aged for 28 days on a bed of rye straw in a specific village
nothing has sold me on the “millennials are aging at a weird pace” theory more than the realization that these two actresses are only 7 years apart in age
"I don't get why you set so many alarms"
congrats on being able to rocket back to existence every morning but some of us have to be gradually raised from the depths like the remains of an ancient shipwreck being brought to the surface
born too late to remember Princess Diana, born too early to grow up in a post-monarchy world, born at exactly the right time to start baseless internet rumors that the Princess of Wales has spent the last three months playing an incredibly long game of Dungeons and Dragons
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, "ah yes, that's why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore"
[Kate Middleton, 14 Mountain Dews deep into the most crippling World of Warcraft addiction of the 21st Century] just photoshop me into the picture, I'm in the middle of a raid
reasons to abolish daylight savings time:
1. disrupts sleep cycles
2. creates unnecessary confusion
3. I am not an 18th-century wretch trying to conserve papa's precious stores of whale oil
