Stone Cold Jane Austen

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Feral essayist. Genderclear. They/Thembo. Instructor/Professor: @MorganStateU Words: @MarieClaire_sa @Guardian @The_Rumpus @VICE etc.🖖

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“Eh, let’s check in on RFK Jr” RFK Jr:

How I introduce myself in an icebreaker session

Take my dyke ass money already

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Stone Cold Jane Austen

Not now sweetie, mommy is raging against the dying of the light

My 5-year-old niece just came down and asked me to help her find a book before bed. I just sent her back upstairs with The Audubon Field Guide to North American Mushrooms

So, my grandma’s funeral was today. I was bawling when a gnat flew straight up into my nose and got caught there. People were handing me tons of tissues because I WAS crying, but I was also intentionally blowing snot rockets hard to get it out and, TBH, grandma would’ve LOL’d

Me: I have an extreme fear of 90s music Therapist: How bizarre

Get it, Dame Maggie

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Stone Cold Jane Austen

Behold, the Cool S Sword.

My neighbors are listening to some great music, whether they like it or not

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

Oops, I accidentally match the couch today

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Stone Cold Jane Austen

coming out 🏳️‍🌈 #art

Girl, it’s Pride month

*me, showing up in my grandma’s hospital room this morning after her heart attack yesterday* My grandma: you look like shit

Girl, it’s Pride month

I’m so dumb it took me a fortnight to read “Twelfth Night”

Remember to set your clocks to gay tonight

Anyone else allergic to gluten gleeten glouten globen

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Hello, pollen, my old friend You’ve come to clog my head again

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

All I’m saying is that I’m closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is

Denny’s sun, IHOP moon, Waffle House rising

[to the tune of Eleanor Rigby] RFK Jr. Conspiracy theorist seeking his first White House term Has a brain worm

One day for mom, one day for dad, a week for sharks. As it should be.

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Stone Cold Jane Austen

RFK is the only candidate who believes in lobal worming

TURN AROUND

Doctor: You have Tom Jones Syndrome Me: Is that common? Doctor: It’s not unusual

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Stone Cold Jane Austen

It takes an entire village to raise a Godzilla but only 1 Godzilla to raze an entire village.