Alex Blechman

@alexblechman.bsky.social

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Writer, game designer
x Staff Writer @TheOnion & @ClickHole.
Words for Jackbox Games, High On Life, Starship Troopers: Terran Command, Saints Row, Tic Toc Games, Darkhorse, Team Coco, other places

alexanderblechman.com

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Son: Dad, can you play catch with me? Me: (gesturing at PC) Sorry kiddo, I’m busy playing Dad Simulator: Father of the Year Edition and I’m about to beat my high score Son in Game: Nice throw, dad!

The Kingslure is a carnivorous plant native to the British isles. Resembling a broadsword stuck in a stone, the plant’s “hilt” is covered with strong adhesive. When an aspiring ruler grabs it they are pulled underground into the digestion sac

I concentrate and try to perform an Animorphs style shapeshift. After a few seconds there’s a loud crunching noise and I condense into a bloody sphere of hooves, antlers, and fur

July 4th is very rough on my dog (he is a royalist and considers George Washington a traitor)

I claim all the free monthly Playstation+ rewards even if I don’t play the game or have heard of the game Someday I’m going to log into Xcapedz: Battle Unrevolved and receive 14,000 Moonstonium

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Cybertrucks are being recalled due to an error with Juicer Mode. The whirling blades are only supposed to extend when the car is filled with fruits/vegetables and all humans have exited the vehicle, but wearing a red shirt tricks the sensor into thinking you’re a strawberry

(seeing Mr. Bean enter a social situation requiring competence and decorum) Me: Mr. Bean has the opportunity to do the funniest thing

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President in year 2064: Oh wise and all-knowing computer. Earth is a wasteland. There is no food, no water, it is 100 degrees in the winter. Tell us how to save humanity Computer: beautiful cabin crew 💋 scarlett johansson

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Elden Ring isn’t actually that difficult despite its reputation. The game gives you a staff that shoots blue lasers. If you choose not to shoot blue lasers at everything and instead carry a big sword so you look like Guts from Berserk, I respect that, but it’s a choice

Every time someone complains about Elden Ring difficulty there’s a reply like “too hard? lol somebody didn’t bother to eat the Apostle’s Egg”

Bluesky should have an Elden Ring Message feed that includes every post writeable with the game’s vocabulary and grammar options

If a perfectly reflective mile-wide sphere appeared floating over Washington DC it probably wouldn’t change much People would grumble “Now there’s a big sphere. As if we didn’t have enough on our plates already.” News articles about the sphere, if the sphere intends good or evil, would get 3 likes

My startup NecroSync was founded on a simple yet visionary idea When a customer logs into your website, we run an ancestry search on their name, create AI replicas of all their dead relatives, and play an ad where their grandparents beg them to buy your product We are valued at $74 Billion

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Now that Bluesky has DMs there’s no excuse but laziness not to write a personalized thank you note to everyone who liked your post

Supreme Court: If a politician gets paid to do something but they’re wearing a leash when they do it, legally that is not a bribe but a kink

I bought a pdf of every Hellboy comic so I can read them on my computer. This is the sci-fi future predicted by Jules Verne in his book “The Fantastical Lightning-Powered Hellboy Apparatus”

Bank Robber: (gesturing with gun) Put the gratuities in the bag

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Alex Blechman

It’s pretty great being a Tomb Guardian. I stand in a subterranean crypt holding an accursed broadsword. Every few hundred years an errant knight or grave robber intrudes, but other than that I have lots of free time. I can stare at the eldritch inscriptions or utter a deathly rasp, whatever I want

Every time someone complains about Elden Ring difficulty there’s a reply like “too hard? lol somebody didn’t bother to eat the Apostle’s Egg”

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Alex Blechman

Software Update: We’ve added a new AI assistant! It calls itself “The Admiral” and we don’t know why. Ignore them if it tells you that dying at sea is the only worthy death

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*Influencers By Platform* Instagram: I made $40,000 by posting a photo of a Big Mac YouTube: I put 100 people on an aircraft carrier I bought and whoever stays the longest keeps it! Twitter: Wow, this blew up! 500,000 people liked my joke and I gained 6 new followers

I wish my real estate agent told me about the infinite corridor before I moved in here. A hallway extending into endless shadow isn’t that big a problem, I blocked the door with a bookshelf and rarely hear the howling. But they should have mentioned it

People online said Scavengers Reign and Godzilla Minus One were good. I watched them both and people online were right. From now on I’m going to believe everything I read on the internet

My grandpa left me a farm in Stardew Valley in his will, but I sold the property. I’m too invested in my career at Joja Corporation to move to some backwater town

Microsoft Word just released its new DLC Microsoft Word: Legends of the Dragonguard

This robot can sing and dance, mastering artistic mediums that were once the purview of humans In the future it will replace workers, taking over jobs like brain surgeon or taxi driver More than that, it makes us question what it means to be alive. If this machine has a soul, then what are we?