🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

I like to blame the heat for everything. politics are bonkers? heat. more bigots than usual on the skyline? heat. accidentally dropped my salad and it spilled everywhere? you guessed it: heat.

this is truly the year of the linux desktop

god dammit CrowdStrike this is why we don't deploy on Fridays

Live: Global IT outage affecting banks, airlines, media outlets across the worldwww.abc.net.au There are reports of IT outages affecting major institutions in Australia and internationally.

can I say something without everyone getting mad?

i dont need therapy i need a way to make dragons real and have sex with them

coffee isn’t hot enough unless it could send me to the hospital

“He was 250 pounds of pure muscle. No skin, no bones, no organs, just muscle”

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🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

your honor, my client contends that the plaintiff is being a little bitch

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🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

“article” and “listicle” implies the existence of “testicle”

so,,, is there a mr. appropriated campaign funds?

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🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

what if my dick exploded and looked like a cartoon cigar?

look it up, I bet it could fix you too

I think a partial excerebration could fix me

your honor, my client contends that the plaintiff is being a little bitch

I think a partial excerebration could fix me

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🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

I think it would fix me if a pretty girl looked me directly in the eyes through her Vortex Optics scope at 1500 yards and gently squeezed the trigger on her Remington 700 ADL 7mm bolt action rifle

what’s the origin of the phrase “ is something you do with your teeth”? I’ve seen it a few times on here in uses that feel like a reference to something but I’m not sure what

can we just all admit that steak is maybe the most boring way to cook meat? like oh you didn’t change the meat or add anything to it you just heated it up a little and I’m supposed to think it’s the god’s ambrosia?

“brewery” is a word that’s impossible to say without sounding drunk

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🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

"You should get a new phone" you say. "Why?" I ask as I squint through the cracks at the screen. Shards of glass cut my fingers as I type a reply. Blood drips onto the floor. The battery dies before my text can send.

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🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

no I definitely don’t have a human heart beneath my floor boards, beating and driving me slowly mad, why would you even ask that??

it turns out I don’t trust my past self at all because I’ve expanded every “hidden by a muted word/user” post I’ve ever seen

you can stop the trolley at any time except every major newspaper has been publishing articles titled “What If The Trolley Is Good” every week for 20 years so you’re not sure

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🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

life hack: any snacks you eat while you’re still in the grocery store are technically free

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🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

JD Vance, Vance Refrigeration

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🌿 bryan 🌿 (Taylor’s Version)

turning Narcissus into a vampire so he can’t see his reflection anymore

life hack: any snacks you eat while you’re still in the grocery store are technically free