[at the beach]
Sonia Greene: oh howard this was such a lovely idea!
Greene: a romantic seaside picnic and just the two of us!
Greene: and we've got your favorite food right here - untoasted white bread!
Greene: isn't this nice?
HP Lovecraft: [sweats, stares at ocean] right sure
HP Lovecraft: Hey! Quit kicking sand in our faces!
Sonia Greene: that man is the worst nuisance on the beach!
Aleister Crowley: [grabbing Lovecraft] listen here, I'd smash your face, only you're so skinny you might dry up and blow away!
Crowley: [to greene, as he manhandles lovecraft] look babe, why don't you drop that zero and get with the hero
Crowley: i'll show you how a real man kicks sand in people's faces!
Crowley: THE GREAT BEAST!!! DO AS THOU WILLT!!!!
Lovecraft: The big bully! I'll get even some day!
Greene: oh don't let it bother you, little boy
Greene: i'll fix you up a nice big meal, put some meat on those bones
Lovecraft: and that'll help me build muscle?
Greene: [sweats] um muscle? um sure yeah muscle
Poe: howard, you need to stop letting aleister pick on you
Lovecraft: but he's twice my size! he's all buff cuz of all the mountain climbing!
Poe: you could start working out?
Lovecraft: you mean physical labor?
Lovecraft: sport?!
Lovecraft: [sweats] like a common cornishman?!?
Poe: you should try it
Poe: a good regimen of rowing and swimming helped me build mass
Barker: oh come on edgar
Poe: no really!
Poe: [removes shirt, revealing he is super swole]
Barker:
Barker: oh right
Barker: right i forgot about that
Mary Shelley: listen up nerd you don't need exercise
Shelley: what you need is one of these [flips switchblade]
Poe: oh come on mary, what if he gets attacked when he doesn't have knife on him?
Shelley: dunno, that's never come up
Shelley: next time aleister gives you shit, you give him one of these [pantomimes shivving]
Poe: mary, violence never solved anything
Shelley: it does if you're good at it
Poe:
Barker: ah ha ha she's got you there edgar
Lovecraft: Darn it! I'm sick and tired of being a scarecrow! William Hope Hodgson says he can give me a real body. all right! i'll gamble a stamp and get his free book
Lovecraft: i'll just not eat this week to afford the stamp
William Hope Hodgson: are you "fed up" with seeing the huskies walk off with the best of everything?
Hodgson: sick and tired of being soft, frail, skinny or flabby?
Hodgson: i know because i myself was once a puny 97 pound "runt"
Hodgson: today, I am two separate gorillas
Hodgson: give me 5 weeks and my body building plan will turn YOU into the bronzed adonis you were meant to be
Hodgson: through a dynamic combination of cardiovascular training, lifting big kegs, and standing in the desert while getting your balls tanned by an ultraviolet machine
Lovecraft: wow, how's you get so buff??
Hodgson: from constant brawling during my navy days
Lovecraft: w-wait
Lovecraft: you're a sailor??
Hodgson: yeah you should know from my popular lecture series about how much the navy fuckin sucks ass
Lovecraft: [sweats]
Hodgson: ugh, i tell you
Hodgson: it's just impossible to pay the bills with pseudoscience fitness programs catering to mens' insecurities
Hodgson: i'm gonna pivot to weird fiction instead
Hodgson: that's where the big money is
Hodgson: what if a bunch of pig men attacked a big house
Smith: [on phone] hey clark ashton? it's me! your cousin! marvin smith!
Smith: you know that new horror genre you're been looking for?
Smith: well, listen to this! [aims phone at hodgson]
what's this??? the new Split Sceam 5 from Tenebrous Press featuring weird horror stories by Lyndsey Croal and ME, Bitter Karella, which is available for preorder now from the Tenebrous website????? why, you'd be an uncool fool NOT to preorder it! store.tenebrouspress.com/products/spl...
