Alright. Its time for the Pride Rant. I just want to preface this thread with a couple of things. First off, content warnings for homophobia, violence, and self harm. Second, I am leaving this open to comments, but I'm not looking for an argument. If your response is to "yeah but" me, don't bother.
I will just ignore you. So here's the deal. Seen a bit of "Ok but I don't understand why we have/need pride. Its not my style." Kind of stuff coming from some younger queers this year. And I am going to explain to you why I do it. Why it's important to me. I'm not expecting to convince you.
Im not trying to change your mind. Only you can do that. But maybe I can give you a new perspective. So you're going to get The Gay Life of Grimmy Q. Coyote in Bsky Novella format. I apologize ahead of time for the wall o text.
The first time I remember encountering the word "gay" in a context other than "happy", I was maybe 5 or 6 years old. In kindergarten or 1st grade maybe. The when is hazy. The what is still pretty clear in my memory. And older kid on the bus sat next to me and asked "Are you gay?"
And me, precocious and innocent answered "Yes." Because I was in a good mood and didn't understand. So the kid started laughing at me and explaining that "gay" is "when two boys do it". I didn't really understand what that meant. But I knew it was bad. Something to be made fun of.
Some awkward conversations with my parents later did nothing to clear it up. But the discomfort and distaste from my folks was enough. Fast forward a couple of years. Im playing on the play ground with another boy. We're playing house. And older boy starts yelling "fag" at us.
Later that week he gets into a fight with me because I'm a "fag". It was a kid fight and we didnt do much damage to one another. But the message was beaten into my brain. Fags are contemptable. To beaten and mocked.
By this time (9 or so) I had begun to understand that I felt different about other boys than my other friends did. Even if I didn't understand what that really meant or what sex or attraction was. I was just different.
Fast foward to Junior High. I now know what gay means in the sexual sense. And I have these feelings for other boys and it's fucking me up. I can't have a crush on Paul. I'm supposed to have crushes on girls. Why am I looking at the other boys in the locker room?
Combine that with all the fag jokes and pubescent nonsense boys get up to and the message was reinforced. Gay is bad. Gay is a joke. It was about this time that I witnessed something that would stick with me my whole life.
In our little town there was this one guy who was the infamous faggot. Everyone knew who he was and sniggered behind his back or even to his face. I am ashamed of this, but us kids used to yell slurs at him when we would see him.
One day when I was about 14, I saw him in the parking lot of the grocery store. I don't know what he did or why the cops were called but they showed up. And proceeded to beat him bloody. Yelling slurs at him the whole time. Faggot. Queer. Homo. While he screamed and dripped blood.
By that time I had figured out I was queer. And sitting there watching those cops beat that dude, I thought "That's me. Im a faggot. That's what I am, a homo. That's what I deserve for these feelings I have. I can't be gay. I can't I can't I can't" or similar.
So I started pushing that part of me down, deep, pretending it didn't exist. At some point I discovered an old psych book from the 60's that talked about the homosexual disease and negative reinforcement therapy.
So I started hurting myself whenever I would start to think sexually or romantically about other boys. I still bear those scars on my arms, my chest, my scrotum. It didn't help. Those feelings remained. The message also remained.
It fucked me up good, y'all. It broke me in ways I am still dealing with today. It didnt accept myself or start coming out until I was in my mid 20's. Years of denial and self hate that left a life long legacy of self esteem and intimacy issues. Of self loathing and self harm.
So, I do pride for a few reasons. The first is to reclaim those years I spent hiding myself and hating myself, in some sort of way. I refuse to ever, ever, let the darkness of that closet encompass me again. I will die first.
Second, I need to show the bigots and haters that I neither need nor want their consent, their approval to exist as myself. Its a big fuck you to that kid on the bus, on the playground, those cops. To everyone who sneered at me and called me a fag. Who contributed to that wall of self loathing.
Third, and most importantly, I do it because I don't want anyone to EVER go through that again. To be visibly strong, defiant and MYSELF for the people who need to see that.
So yeah pride's not your style. I'm not gonna try and convince you. But try and understand why it might be important to some people, even if you don't get it. For some of us pride isn't a party, and isn't about pride in "something we can't control".
But a middle finger to a world that doesn't want us to exist. And pride that we're still fucking here. Pride that I found the courage to be myself despite everything. So yeah. Happy Pride, y'all. Fuck the bigots and the haters.
YES that’s the one right there. Different stories , similar chapters. It’s pride in the victory of making it . It’s an Irish wake for those who didn’t.
Man, that's awful. I'm glad you're still with us. That's so fucked. I grew up with a self hating homophobe. I think the old Bastard would have been much happier if he'd learned how to accept himself. Instead he hid it, and acted like being queer was the most shameful thing imaginable.
Thanks for this entire thread.
And for sharing so much.
Having just come out as queer after... 30 years... I wasn't sure what to DO for pride. Clearly need to get over my own feelings of guilt for not having participated for so many years and do something for sure even in the last few days.
my plans for my first pride collapsed but i am going to a t4t meet n greet and helping my friend get sized for a binder so hopefully it'll be a good day
HAPPY PRIDE!! I agree with you completely, and would give you a big hug!
As a survivor of forced “conversion” torture, I will NEVER stop being myself!! Pride isn’t just one month, it’s forever!!🤘💖🔥
Thank you for posting this 💕. This year was the first I started going to smaller Pride events. It started to heal things I didn’t realize needed healing. Hoping to participate in more next year and for years to come!
My coming out took a lot longer (honestly, I'm still working on it), but it wasn't (hasn't been) nearly as traumatic.
Happy Fucking Pride Month, Grimmy.
I don't know you, but I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad you're at a place where you can be unapologetically who you are. Thank you for your story, and happy pride, coyote. ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this entire thread ❤️
I still haven’t gone to a pride event for reasons outside of my control and still feel really bad about it (feeling like a failure to my own community) but next year for sure
I’m 40 very similar story raised Rcatholic, The guy in my town his name was Claude. Didn’t really open up till I was around 25. Been fired for it, beaten for it, I’m still fighting the damage it caused today and try hard to stay above it.
Fuck the bigots and the haters.
Happy Pride ❤️🌈🎉
It sucks so, so much how scary it's become, the real fear surrounding pride now.
But if it helps just one person feel safe, feel loved/worth loving, I'll be there as loud as can be.
Fuck the haters, we will thrive
Happy pride Grimmy, and thanks for sharing all this. Now go get a beer or something! I'm sure this took a lot outta yah to write up, but it was worth every second it took to read.
Thank you, so much. For having the courage to stand up for yourself. For having the courage to stand up to others. And for having the courage to come out. I hope that your words help inspire others to do the same. ❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🤎🖤🩶🤍
