in the space of a few hours i've gone from moping at my desk to sobbing in bed. the thoughts of Not Wanting To Be Here, putting it euphemistically, have sneaked in and they've sneaked in fast. i feel so worthless and pathetic
every time i have a period of relatively plain sailing mood-wise, like it has been since about late march, i get my hopes up. oh, this is It this time, i'm going to experience normality and it'll all be wonderful and great. and then it always inevitably happens again, and i crash
these last few months since starting my mood stabilisers are the most stable i have ever been. i suppose more fool me for having a glimmer of hope that they might fix everything
even though meds won’t fix everything, i think it def means something to know that they’ve been working. there’s gonna be days or times when they don’t work, but that doesn’t mean they’ve stopped helping forever i promise my friend. it’s so so hard, but i’m proud of you for making it till now
i dunno, i'm beginning to think maybe they haven't been doing anything at all and i've just been lucky with my mood these last few months. which makes me wonder why i'm taking them at all
i do know that in my experience with meds (mood stabilizers, antidepressants, etc), there comes a point where you think they don’t work anymore and so you stop taking em, and then things just get way worse n you realize they’d been working the whole time
I've learned that, even with sufficient help, there will still always be bad days. Try and find something you enjoy, that you cannot change. Something constant or cyclical. The running of clouds across the sky, the seasonal birdsong outside your window. You're still here, and so are they.
Ohh dude, I'm so sorry, They can't fix everything but you'd/I'd hope they at least keep you stable enough to cope with the lowest moments, raise them up to make them bearable. What do you need right now?
beyond answers like 'for someone to take a cricket bat to the back of my head' i'm not really sure. but all i really want is to be put out of my misery, whatever form that might take. it's been 20 years of this, i'm tired of fighting now
I know. I know. It's so fucking hard. But that kind of reply, especially considering previous context, does mean that you may be entering a low and need/want help of some kind, for what it's worth. But fuck it's hard
i dunno. not even deep down, but on a surface level there's this belief that i'm making it all up and i could snap out of it if i really tried and that i don't deserve any help because i'm just an attention whore and i'd be taking resources away from the people who really need it, etc etc
