Jon Drake

@jondrake.bsky.social

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Too much lobster on the plane, the plane won’t stay up

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Come through bro I’m brewing a potion of mysterious origin

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Jon Drake

dunno i think world mental health day should be postponed this year

Don’t even bother inviting me to the function unless this is the vibe

Sexually Suggestive

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It’s pretty funny to think of Hieronymus Bosch hyping up a new painting like a horror director hypes up their new movie. “This one’s gonna be really spooky once I finish shading this section.”

The Peppers Jamaican Bakery and Jerk Center called and they’re all out of you

Airlines love to be like “Fuck you. You’re about to be incredibly uncomfortable for 4 hours if your flight even takes off” but then at the end being like “hey friend 😌 want a credit card? 🥺”

In a pinch you can use one of these to grab a cop’s gun out of their holster

Can’t believe Adam and Eve got tempted by an apple. And they FAILED. Imagine if it was a jalapeño popper.

October is definitely the scariest month because it’s when the odds of being asked to go apple picking are highest

The jerk store called. They had the wrong number

I supported my WGA friends during the strike by being petty with the studios and pirating movies I’m never gonna watch. Eat shit, Gran Turismo

No man has ever looked more divorced than this dipshit

You know you have no real friends when nobody in your entourage will tell you your hat is on backwards

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Jon Drake

my friend: lol you could just call a guy named Richard “Dick” and he wouldn't know if it's an insult [later] me: hey richard, you fucking dick.

The early bird may get the worm, but you can sleep in and still get Crab Rangoon. The Chinese spot doesn’t even open until 11

It’s almost time for the spookiest season of all. Dudes who think wearing shorts when it’s cold outside is a personality season

I dress extremely similarly to John Fetterman and I’m starting to take all this discourse personally

The bar for men is so low there was an entire hit song about a woman congratulating her boyfriend for taking the train to and from work

Being turned into a s’more is definitely the best way for a marshmallow to go out. Absolute pinnacle of marshmallow existence

When I inherited $75,000,000 on my 25th birthday I knew I would have to make this money work for me if I wanted to live comfortably. I developed an investment strategy of buying assets at a low price and selling them at a higher price using insider trading. Let me explain 🧵 1/76

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Jon Drake

in the 90’s, computers would scream every time you went online. that‘s called foreshadowing

Had to take my Roomba in for repairs so I left a lollipop on the floor like you’d give a toddler after a doctor visit

Physically I am on my couch but emotionally I am in the mud at Burning Man

Big deal “Lady and the Tramp,” I share spaghetti with a dog like every day

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Jon Drake

ME: my contract says I can work from home BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

If Jesus comes back do you think he’ll start his carpentry business back up? Or just stick to all the son of god stuff

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Jon Drake

Cruising around Flavour Town, looking for the perfect combination of fresh buns, skirt steak, and the will to live 🔥

I’m GUY FIERI and we’re ROLLING OUT looking for the strength to go on

Woke up longing for the salty embrace of the sea again

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Jon Drake

*tilting my head this way and that, to guide a little thought marble through the twisty tunnels of my brain*