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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

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My tapeworm is different my tapeworm cares about my digestive system

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Clarissa didn't explain enough

I want kind of a modified Viking funeral where I’m put out to sea in a boat and everyone throws Swedish Fish at my vessel until it disappears from sight.

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NEWS --> Mark Robinson, the MAGA extremist GOP nominee for governor in North Carolina, appeared to endorse political violence against unnamed foes in a recent speech. "Some folks need killing!" he shouted. "It's a matter of necessity!" Video and story here: newrepublic.com/article/1834...

MAGA Gov Candidate’s Ugly, Hateful Rant: “Some Folks Need Killing!”newrepublic.com Mark Robinson, the GOP nominee for governor in North Carolina, has a long history of incendiary comments. But he may have topped himself this time.

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soon I begin my training to become a legal racing hound

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In the break room asking if anyone wants to see how strong my mandibles are

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high key bastard pilled. sonofabitchmaxxing

If you don’t want the rest of your lab meat, can I have it

I do respect THIS spider, who keeps building between the outdoor trash cans and has obliterated the yucky fly population in that area, she is my friend and partner

Impossible to respect the spider who builds a web across my front doorway. You did no research, you fool, no reconnaissance at all.

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not a single social media app has anything on the people currently using craigslist community posts

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How much wood could Woodchuck Holdings, Inc., a corporation of ruthless woodchucks, chuck

Impossible to respect the spider who builds a web across my front doorway. You did no research, you fool, no reconnaissance at all.

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It's too bad the Age of Discovery is over. I just found something

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Hi, it's God. Sorry I missed your call because I'm everywhere but I'll get back to you, maybe in strangely fitting words from a coworker or a dog's smile

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i want a book light with these features: •warm glow •sleep timer •criticize me •solemn oath •alarum •friendship •asmr •pep talk •subliminal positive affirmations •subliminal negative affirmations •"relationship mode" •therapist •crystal •dipstick •empath •snacks

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I saw Alien for the first time last night (yes) and I really enjoyed it, loved its wetness, loved the ship, the whole deal, but I’ve absorbed so much through pop culture at this point (of course) that the only real jump scare for me was Sigourney Weaver’s underpants

I’ve written a weird little horror movie based on my own specific fears and I play it to myself in my head. I play it over and over and I think about it so much that it’s high time we based some kind of national government policy around it

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Honk if you want me to think about you for the rest of the day

Pierogi has been blessed by the Pride gods

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Do you have what it takes to eat fish from this waterbody?

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The purpose of stickers is to Never Use Them so that when you die your friends can put them on your coffin

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Lunch sketch.

Honk if you want me to think about you for the rest of the day

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I keep seeing this BULLSHIT going around so: - they are totally harmless to humans - they're gonna eat spotted lanternflies (which is a good thing)! - Many, many species of spiders "fly". Young spiderlings throw their threads up into the air and catch a ride on the wind it's called ballooning.

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I think a lot of politicians and political reporters think "low info voter" is like someone who isn't following congressional budget negotiations when actual low-info voters are like "guy who thinks the president appoints the NFL commissioner and are mad at him for suspending a player on their team"