Surprised Face Guy

@surprisedface.bsky.social

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You could be one of my first 10,000 followers. Time is not running out.

Sorry in advance: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:sdkxyw2r7xlx5kjhsolgagv6/feed/aaaly5qgvbn52

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[cinderella hot boxing in her pumpkin carriage] “I’m stoned out my gourd”

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Surprised Face Guy

[cinderella falling out of her glass slipper] “holy shit I’m tripping balls”

Cooking and eating the magic beans

When someone keeps sending unsolicited dick pics that’s known as cock roaching.

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Surprised Face Guy

[calling in late to work] “I haven’t had my period in 40 years”

I like both pancakes and waffles.

[calling in late to work] “I haven’t had my period in 40 years”

Every morning I wake up one day closer to death.

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Surprised Face Guy

psst. hey buddy. wanna buy some serotonin? *opens one side of trenchcoat to reveal bird pictures*

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Surprised Face Guy

As an enlightened man, I leave the toilet seat up because Women👏Don’t👏Need👏My👏Help👏

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Surprised Face Guy

With GPS it’s easier than ever to get to Sesame Street.

As an enlightened man, I leave the toilet seat up because Women👏Don’t👏Need👏My👏Help👏

This is my impression of important information shared over a loudspeaker: “Abbdbhdhdana djbanabjd aboop anaabawa die pain babgs hhddbsbs poisoned dababababababa doo”

I still skip to the loo

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Surprised Face Guy

MURDER! At the Free Hotel Breakfast Waffle Iron

Voting for Biden if he runs on a platform of abolishing fast pass and blackout dates

MURDER! At the Free Hotel Breakfast Waffle Iron

Gotta be honest, 2 minutes seems like a really long time to brush.

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Surprised Face Guy

Go fuck yourself to those who masturbate

When three moons hit your eye and a fourth moon walks by that’s a polyamore

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Surprised Face Guy

*me, trying out new slang i just invented* hot date last night? nice, nice. how’s his…you know…night height? 👀👀👀

On the one hand I am the least patriotic I’ve ever been but on the other hand it’s nice to celebrate not being British.

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Surprised Face Guy

[third date] Me: “Hey, I know that third dates come with societal expectations but I want you to know that there is no expectation here. We can take things as slow as you like” Her: “That’s sweet, thank you” Me: “Also, I was nervous so I whacked off before I got here”

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Surprised Face Guy

Let’s raise our blood pressure and merge secretions.

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Surprised Face Guy

Oh did I piss you off? Did I make you mad? Did I raise your blood pressure? Did I make you a little bit horny too? No? Well, uh, did I anger you? Are you sure about that fourth thing? Just me? Huh. Misread the moment. My bad.

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Surprised Face Guy

[flirting at a funeral] “are you a mourning person?”

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Surprised Face Guy

Instead of tailgaters we should call them crash dummies

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Surprised Face Guy

[animation board meeting] “You know those beloved cartoons that everyone adores and shaped a generation?” “Yeah…” “What if we made it again…” “Go on” “…But make it gross.” “You are a fucking genius”