Calum

@calumdotexe.bsky.social

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President and founder of Yuko Esports

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Mio exasperated by the sight of both Yuuko AND Yuko

[US politician solemnly shaking their head] What has happened to this country? When did America become a place where someone would shoot at someone with a gun? That's not the America I know and love.

Maybe Joe should change his banner

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Calum

this looks like something you would get an xbox achievement for destroying a few dozen of scattered around the city

Make sure to buy my merch at website dot com

Fucked up in the soft play area smoking lean

ME: [Hears a noise downstairs] Hmm, was that the fridge? YUKO: [Suddenly runs past my door, hurries downstairs] ME: Yeah, that was the fridge.

At my age a lot of people have kids and I don't and I gotta say, it feels terrific. I remember that when I was a teen, I thought at some point I might end up changing my mind and want to have kids of my own. Not so! :3

Suddenly remembering that Robbie Williams music video where he took off all his clothes and then his skin and his flesh and wondering how tf that was allowed on daytime TV back then, it was so graphic lmfao it freaked me out when I was a kid

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Calum

The Fallout Bible is a book about a guy saving the world by taking two of every drug

Fighting my way through the enemy stronghold when suddenly one of the bad guys pulls out a sword. I dodge a few slashes, but I can't retaliate bare-handed. "Catch!" My friend picks up a nearby sword and tosses it to me. It goes right into the side of my head and I instantly die

Brandishing my katana, time slows down around me as the bullet approaches me. I swiftly slash the bullet in half. The two halves split apart and embed themselves in both of my testicles

Guy who dislikes every movie for being "clearly edited"

Saying "hate wins" whenever there's two guys and they're not kissing each other

I tried giving Yuko a lil kiss on his forehead but then he angled his head up and his nose touched my lip and he had just eaten wet food. Pfftbhbhpth, phthuh! Ptooie! Puh!

Peach needs Toad. Without Toad, she's just be Princess Stool

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Calum

If Joe Biden was alive today, he'd be ashamed of his party's performance

Rapper who uses "plap plap plap!!!" as an onomatopoeia for gunfire in his song

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Calum

tweeted this four years ago and it pretty much sums up my feelings on this shit

YUKO: [Nips at my bare shin with his teeth] ME: Hey! Yuko. You ill-mannered beast. YUKO: Mrrrp... ME: That's your excuse for everything.

In Patrick Star's DMs asking him for feet pics. Didn't realize he'd actually sent me a forehead pic until it was too late

Just called Yuko an "ill-mannered beast" for nipping my leg

I posted this same thing on Twitter, where I have more than 20 times as many followers as I do here, and it only got 3 likes there

Guy who just received mouth-to-mouth resuscitation: Thank you, you saved my life... I'm survivalmaxxing right now. I'm an oxygenpilled breathecel thanks to you. EMT: This is the hardest part of the job. The regret. Living with what I've done

YUKO: Mrrrp! [Chases and kills a fly] ME: Good boy, Yuko! MOM: He's so good at catching flies. But he hasn't been eating them recently. Just killing them and leaving them. ME: Huh. YUKO: [Eats the fly and licks his lips] :p MOM: Okay, just immediately prove me wrong then. Pussycat.

Nine Inch Nails except Trent Reznor is about to go to sleep

"tbh" stands for "the balls harden"

DOCTOR *Scribbling a prescription* Why don't you go pick these pills up at the pharmacy and see how they make you feel? ME: Heh, based and pillpilled DOCTOR: *Furrowing his brow, scratching out "Lexapro" and writing "cyanide" instead* Hmm, yes

Guy whose dick makes a Vine boom sound every time he shoots a rope

Democrats urge first-time voters to stay away from third parties: Don't flush your vote down the Skippity Toilet™!