House of 1000 Fionas

@cogentanalysis.bsky.social

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oh god, it's come to this

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The feminine urge to address your boyfriend as "dude"

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House of 1000 Fionas

Biblical scholars refer to ages 13-30, the period of Jesus's life missing from the Gospels, as "the fossil record evidence planting years"

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House of 1000 Fionas

Unskilled labor is a classist myth. Except for me. I am unskilled

Rammstein's songs are about universal human experiences: man's inhumanity towards man, time's cruel & inexorable march forward, air show disasters, not having a mom bc you were grown in a lab, sex cannibals, being a lonely Bavarian who wants only for a woman with enormous jugs, &c

On this Tuesday morning I'm really entering my Joan of Arc era. I'm thriving. I'm driven. I'm hearing voices. I'm pointing siege weapons at the English

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House of 1000 Fionas

Toot-tootling by in my apple-shaped car, I raise a hand in friendly greeting. As I pass, a man-sized worm raises his head into view from the backseat. The sign in his mouth says CALL 911

I can tell that at least some of the writers of "I Think You Should Leave" have worked regular office jobs because it is exactly like the beginning of every bit where the boring regular people think they're being fun and funny

"euphoria" is precision engineered, like a Dyson

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House of 1000 Fionas

Men: defensively arguing that they are safer to be around in the woods than a bear Women: saying "BEAR" louder each time in the same manner you would demand a human representative from an automated line

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House of 1000 Fionas

It was a dark and Tuesday night...

Okay, I have 20 years to plan how to pull off an incredible heist while everyone's looking at the next eclipse

I'm a quarter fuccboi on my father's side

I can see the N¥T building from my cubicle, and it's very hard not to put sticky notes on the window spelling out a big "you suck so bad"

"I have Schwimmer's ear," David Schwimmer's killer taunts police

"He's beginning to think outside the bun."

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House of 1000 Fionas

(poorly masking that I'm crestfallen) I guess it's kind of entertaining

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House of 1000 Fionas

(thinking endlessly about a problem that cannot be solved by thought) making good progress

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House of 1000 Fionas

Surge pricing for food: an exciting new frontier for predatory capitalism. Now when I go to the grocery store and it’s busy and I wanna kms, can I also pay more? And can we keep the shrinkflation going? Squeeze me from all sides like a Temple Grandin chute. I am so relaxed. Hey what’s that up ahead

A @timplatt.bsky.social? On MY television machine??

Tim Platt on Instagram: "Last week @fallontonight gave me a title and an hour to write this song and then I performed it that night. So did @longislanddirt_ !"www.instagram.com 916 likes, 51 comments - iamkingbozo on February 12, 2024: "Last week @fallontonight gave me a title and an hour to write this song and then I performed it t..."

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House of 1000 Fionas

(building a straw man) oh this guy is gonna be such a fucking piece of shit

(sex scene with Jodie Foster and Christopher Eccleston) oh my god this is too horrible, quick, put the screaming frozen guy back on screen

Hey, drivers of cars with Massachusetts plates that I encounter while driving in New York City: you know you guys don't have to like, prove anything to anyone, right?

Can't wait to enjoy some delicious (squints) hoogs

Once my new Shark UltraCyclone Pet Pro+ Cordless Handheld Vacuum is fully charged, it's over for you hoes

Oh, Henry Kissinger is dead?

When I listen to music I'm like "this slaps. I do not know why"

This is some fuckin bullshit

You drive like a dick, Big Tina

I was out later than expected and didn't have dinner so now it's time to eat a bunch of food and then immediately go to sleep, which if I recall correctly is recommended by physicians as a good thing you should definitely do

For my own well-being I'm still avoiding news of any kind, due to my high resting despair levels