dan poets society

@danielsayswhat.bsky.social

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A terrifying message has been found. The authorities have been notified

put your money where your mouth is… now put two pencils where your nose is. jump up and down on one leg while you rub your belly. what do you mean this is ridiculous

maybe the dingo ate the tuna casserole that was clearly marked with your name in the break room fridge

wednesday is the traffic jam of the week

A freak in the sheets is worth two in the bush

it’s called pumpernickel because they ran out of bread names and just randomly pointed at a list of Charles Dickens characters

wait. there are people throwing their babies out with the bath water? i think someone should look into this

goofball sounds like something you’d buy at a clown store

Carpet diem Seize the drunken blackout

that moment you have ice cream in a hot car and you have to emergency airlift it to your freezer like it’s a heart transplant

if anyone asks you to guess their age, don’t do it. it’s a trap. you’re going to die

our safe word is jesus take the wheel

Trump’s been doing some reading

“roses are red, violets are red, dammit everything’s fucking red!” - me wearing rose colored glasses

seven costanza

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dan poets society

slowly eating my Klondike bar. haunted by the things I’ve done.

birds of a feather fl*ck together

highest rated toilet on yelp

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dan poets society

soon, they were naming other cities - nyc is a true trendsetter

new york, new york. the city so nice they named it

but officer, i didn’t poop my pants. someone else did and that’s my complaint

there’s nothing like a nice wet tip when you pull the cap off of the sharpie and it glides perfectly across the paper

i’ll be right back. i have to go make a cone fall

don’t get your knickers in a twist, unless you’re doing the twist because then i just can’t see a way around it

ensconce me in velvet like i’m george costanza

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dan poets society

so what’s the deal with airstrike food

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dan poets society

homemade macaroni and cheese is such a delight

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dan poets society

Oh this 2020 Pinot noir pairs well with s’mores pop tarts.

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dan poets society

Bono: she moves in mysterious ways Me: dude. She was in an accident, that’s a limp.