PieGuy

I like to think Dennis is still out there being a menace but he probably grew up to be a lame ass in middle management with a nice 401K and drives a Camry

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PieGuy

I saw you from across the bar and I want to joust you

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PieGuy

Well, whatever marijuana strain this is made me into a comedic genius.

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PieGuy

Life is hard trying to get rich without wanting to work for it or marry dying old guys.

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PieGuy

Sometimes my hair gets itchy and I’m worried I’m turning into Medusa.

When Grandma lost her feet to diabetes, I referred to her as “Lieutenant Gran” and nobody laughed

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PieGuy

You’re laughing. I asked who’s on first and you’re laughing.

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PieGuy

Is someone working on a pill that feels like waking up well rested?

She’s giving off a “my mom has custody of my kids” type of vibe

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PieGuy

Will there still be an Oswald on this one even though they missed?

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PieGuy

Chilling a highball in protest

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PieGuy

I'm sorry for the things I said when predictive text was turned on

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PieGuy

I keep adding things and reheating these leftovers, like the Stir Fry of Theseus

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PieGuy

I met my niece’s new boyfriend and immediately hoped that his sperm count is as low as her standards.

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PieGuy

DM’s ruined Bluesky because now you share the good stuff in private

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PieGuy

I'm sex on legs in the sense that I have legs

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PieGuy

[driving 4hrs with two coworkers] Do y'all wanna play a game? Would you rather... stay in this car or die inside a wicker man

When you almost get assassinated

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PieGuy

I have so much to do this weekend and it’s all this:

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PieGuy

There’s a Canadian named Jeremy who escaped from my mom’s basement.

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PieGuy

If you love me, you’ll show me your silly hair.