Alex Blechman

@alexblechman.bsky.social

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Writer, game designer
x Staff Writer @TheOnion & @ClickHole.
Words for Jackbox Games, High On Life, Starship Troopers: Terran Command, Saints Row, Tic Toc Games, Darkhorse, Team Coco, other places

alexanderblechman.com

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My startup NecroSync was founded on a simple yet visionary idea When a customer logs into your website, we run an ancestry search on their name, create AI replicas of all their dead relatives, and play an ad where their grandparents beg them to buy your product We are valued at $74 Billion

My magic sword glows blue when orcs or birds are near! See it shine? Evil approaches! Or a bird. It’s usually a bird

In horror stories the protagonist’s guilt comes back as a scary monster or a haunted town. But it’s an arbitrary choice by the writer that guilt = a bad thing. Your unspeakable crime could just as easily come back as a cool jet ski

According to vampire myth, if you scatter DVDs of the AFI Top 100 Films then Dracula would be compelled to sort them in order

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If you get this notification it means Bluesky detected you are over 30 years old and should act more mature online

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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

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(seeing Mr. Bean enter a social situation requiring competence and decorum) Me: Mr. Bean has the opportunity to do the funniest thing

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Newspaper: This politician is planning to enact something called Operation Nefarion Pundit: They’re not actually going to do Operation Nefarion. That’s more of a wishlist than a real plan. First off, you could never fit that many people inside an onyx ziggurat

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Lovecraftian horror game where you have to make sure your Sanity Meter doesn’t rise too low or too high If your Sanity Points reach 100% you realize investigating eldritch New England cults is a bad idea and get a normal job, immediately ending the game

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Auto Mechanic: I can’t fix your car until you find me 3 iron ingots, 5 machinery components, and Engine Blueprints (Level 2). Why not look in the sewers? Lots of things wash up down there

The character Seinfeld is still under copyright by the powerful Seinfeld Corporation. If you want to make a movie, TV show, or video game with Seinfeld in it you have to pay them royalties until 2109

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Son: Dad, can you play catch with me? Me: (gesturing at PC) Sorry kiddo, I’m busy playing Dad Simulator: Father of the Year Edition and I’m about to beat my high score Son in Game: Nice throw, dad!

The Kingslure is a carnivorous plant native to the British isles. Resembling a broadsword stuck in a stone, the plant’s “hilt” is covered with strong adhesive. When an aspiring ruler grabs it they are pulled underground into the digestion sac

I concentrate and try to perform an Animorphs style shapeshift. After a few seconds there’s a loud crunching noise and I condense into a bloody sphere of hooves, antlers, and fur

July 4th is very rough on my dog (he is a royalist and considers George Washington a traitor)

I claim all the free monthly Playstation+ rewards even if I don’t play the game or have heard of the game Someday I’m going to log into Xcapedz: Battle Unrevolved and receive 14,000 Moonstonium

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Cybertrucks are being recalled due to an error with Juicer Mode. The whirling blades are only supposed to extend when the car is filled with fruits/vegetables and all humans have exited the vehicle, but wearing a red shirt tricks the sensor into thinking you’re a strawberry

(seeing Mr. Bean enter a social situation requiring competence and decorum) Me: Mr. Bean has the opportunity to do the funniest thing

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President in year 2064: Oh wise and all-knowing computer. Earth is a wasteland. There is no food, no water, it is 100 degrees in the winter. Tell us how to save humanity Computer: beautiful cabin crew 💋 scarlett johansson

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Elden Ring isn’t actually that difficult despite its reputation. The game gives you a staff that shoots blue lasers. If you choose not to shoot blue lasers at everything and instead carry a big sword so you look like Guts from Berserk, I respect that, but it’s a choice

Every time someone complains about Elden Ring difficulty there’s a reply like “too hard? lol somebody didn’t bother to eat the Apostle’s Egg”

Bluesky should have an Elden Ring Message feed that includes every post writeable with the game’s vocabulary and grammar options

If a perfectly reflective mile-wide sphere appeared floating over Washington DC it probably wouldn’t change much People would grumble “Now there’s a big sphere. As if we didn’t have enough on our plates already.” News articles about the sphere, if the sphere intends good or evil, would get 3 likes

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Now that Bluesky has DMs there’s no excuse but laziness not to write a personalized thank you note to everyone who liked your post

Supreme Court: If a politician gets paid to do something but they’re wearing a leash when they do it, legally that is not a bribe but a kink

I bought a pdf of every Hellboy comic so I can read them on my computer. This is the sci-fi future predicted by Jules Verne in his book “The Fantastical Lightning-Powered Hellboy Apparatus”

Bank Robber: (gesturing with gun) Put the gratuities in the bag