Kurt Busiek: Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been unseated in Northeast West Somerset and South Hanham to Labour's Dan Norris, despite an ancient prophecy that a Rees-Mogg could not be felled by a human member of the League Against Cruel Sports. "I am no mere human," Norris was heard to declare. "I am the chair!"

I'm watching election returns from the UK because it's nice to see some good news for a change.

Of course, I rarely know what they're talking about. "Labour has made a notional gain in Cripping & Bonesbury!" Uh, yaaaayy!

Labour has gained the Paisley seat! And has also gained Lothian East! Labour holds Narnia! And Argyle! Numbers coming in soon from Treacletart!

Penny Mordaunt, the Conservative whose name sounds the most like a villain in a YA fantasy novel, has lost her seat. Or riding. Or perhaps fallen off a horse, and jolly good that, too.

Things are coming down to the wire in Shrieking-by-the-Sea...

Praful Nargund haș lost, despite being a mythical dragon from Wagner's Ring Cycle...

Nigel Farage has won a seat in Eric Clapton. To celebrate his victory he will eat three immigrant children, or "dusky veal," as they're known in the Reform Party...

The Tories have held their seat in Great Pillock, but it'll be a much harder fight in Pemmican Loosely and Garth.

Excuse me, "Thangam Debbonaire"?

So, Reform has won Boston & Skeksis and the Conservatives lost Nelwyn Frampton. The Sackville-Bagginses have yet to speak.

I spoke too soon. Suella Sackville-Braverman has held her seat in Gilesham and Waterlouisville. "Take that, Frodo," she was heard to mutter darkly.

Richard Holden has eked out a win in Basildon & Billericay, earning his nickname of "Basildon Dickie" once again.

Johnny Mercer, composer of "Hooray for Hollywood" and "Moon River," has lost his seat in Plymouth Moorhen to Labour’s Fred Wedlock, still officially the Oldest Swinger in Town.

Luckily, it seems Wera Hobhouse will not have to get out of the bath.

Apparently, Austin Powers' daughter has won a seat in Blyth...

[This is of course, not true. That is Lucia Mapp-Bridgerton, Lord High Executioner of Northumberland, and she's simply announcing a list of Tory politicians being transported to Australia for their crimes.]

Sadly, Rishi Sumac has been re-elected, indicating that Labour did not give away enough calamine lotion in Richfolk (Yoiks).

Jeremy Hunt hangs on to survive in Goldammit to Ash.

Kemi Badenoch, business secretary and Doctor Who villain, has held onto her seat in Ladies Loo. She was last seen bricking up the door.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been unseated in Northeast West Somerset and South Hanham to Labour's Dan Norris, despite an ancient prophecy that a Rees-Mogg could not be felled by a human member of the League Against Cruel Sports. "I am no mere human," Norris was heard to declare. "I am the chair!"

In a stunning upset in Glasgow, all six seats were won by past or future incarnations of Doctor Who.

And now to bed, to sleep off all the nonsense I've just said...

(Not understanding a word of the last 3 mins) “Of his fickle circumstance!”

With silly words of politics in your head, May dreams of hope and peace pursue you, instead.

Cllr. Borusa has *big* ideas for the future of the city!

I love that in British democracy they make the politicians stand in a row onstage when the results are announced.

David Tennant screaming in the distance: "Still not ginger!"

Honestly I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often

And even he didn't hear Neil Diamond crying "I AM!"

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