Dru Stevenson: But belugas — Subium • Bluesky web client

Fine. FINE. I will watch the new Netflix movie about a shark killing people in the sewers of Paris and write a review of it. The things I do for you people.

I am 3 minutes in and everyone who told me that this movie is good is a liar. I hate you, and I hate everything you love, and I will have my revenge.

That…that is not how you tag sharks That is not what the great pacific garbage patch looks like. Did they dump trash in the ocean to film this scene? Why are they using nitrox to dive in four foot deep water We are five minutes in and I’ve already refilled my whisky

“Would you die to save a whale? That’s the first question they asked me when I became a marine biologist” No ma’am it most certainly was not.

Fact check: no, climate change and pollution will not make mako sharks turn 30 feet long and be able to survive in fresh water

At the end of a movie, they show the credits, announcing hundreds of people who were involved in making that movie. Writers, actors, editors. Did any of those people realize that this movie is terrible?

“100 million sharks are killed each year to make soup and skin cream. That’s why we need to save this one mutant killer shark!” Oh

The plan is to use SONAR to trap a shark, then tranquillize it, after which time we have exactly 30 minutes where it can be out of water before it suffocates. Um…no

Fact check: sharks do not have nests, and therefore do not defend their nests There are no shark nests in the sewers of Paris.

But belugas

I thought they were trying to make the activist who caused so many problems look like Taylor Lorenz. Sort of an anti-activist movie. Also really unkind to mayors

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