"Have you considered never speaking to them again?" is excellent advice too infrequently given, IMO.
And I don't mean a temporary, punitive "silent treatment." I mean accepting that the world is full of people you're simply better off not putting energy and time into, and cutting your losses.
"Ugh, my friend is a psychic vampire, every interaction we have, I come away sad and drained!"
Interesting, interesting. Have you considered... they're not your fucking friend?
👏👏👏👏👏 Fair-weather friends are not worth saving. The effort you'll waste on people who want to keep you in your place instead of supporting and growing with you...you can redirect that energy into new relationships and the relationship with yourself and be HAPPIER.
A long time ago I was dealing with "I really like them, I just wish they'd stop taking advantage of me and only calling when they need something" and then realized I could just stop returning the calls and walk away.
the day i realized that I can just stop trying to reach out and being kind to "friends" who never considered my feelings ever, i became so light and free and powerful
life is too short waste time + energy into people who treat you like shit 🙏🏾
But what if my toxic friend needs me? How will they get by without hours of one-sided help and support? And, sure, those hours are often followed by the announcement that my help was worse than worthless because I did it wrong, but I'm gonna get it right some day...
"You're holding a grudge, you never forgive anything, you need to let the past go" is and has been my family's chief complaint when I started putting a stop to Behaviors.
The people who are most mad about your "grudge" are the ones who would benefit most from being able to take advantage again.
"The foolish neither forgive nor forget.
The naïve forgive and forget.
The wise forgive but to not forget."
And forgiving doesn't mean letting them back in, it's just moving past the pain and not letting it define you.
Wish I could remember where I heard either of those two things.
My forgiveness lasts as long as your behavior changes. The minute you revert back to damaging behavior, we're back to square one. I'll forgive, but I don't forget.
You don't have to make a big fucking deal out of it, either. Just, boop, out of your life. It's not incumbent upon you to curate the life experience of every dipshit you happen to know.
Sometimes they did, a long time ago. But people change and not all friendships will keep on being healthy on the long run and that's also OK.
It's harder to accept when it's over after some decades, but unhealthy is always so clear in retrospect...
i think of it as respecting what a person has showed you about themselves. you don't do supportive? you're not into respecting boundaries? i see you and imma bounce.
It *especially* applies to blood relatives in my experience. They'll try to use the strong emotional pull of familial obligation to shame you into accepting their bullshit.
As a Gen X, I remember in High School that having a huge laundry list of 'friends' was a form of social capital. The more you had, the more hip you were, so to speak. I managed to escape that, as I learned that quality > quantity.
But there are so many that never seem to get that.
Life becomes so sweet and peaceful and LIGHT when you excise toxic non reciprocal folks from your life ESPECIALLY if they are “family” wish I’d done it decades earlier I’ve never missed any of them AT ALL — here’s an easy test to use:
(1)
(2) invite your friend or family to do something definite you love — “join me on this day to do this excellent thing”
Toxic folk will either not respond or beg off, but reciprocal, goog folks WILL RESPOND IN KIND: I’m sorry I can’t make that, I value you, are you free to do (definite dated thing)
Those who either do not respond or do not offer an alternative (showing that they value you, their relationship and TIME WITH YOU) are toxic folks and if you try this next step:
Do not reach out again. They will never contact you again, (here’s the kicker) UNTIL TGEY NEED SOMETHING FROM YOU
and there you have confirmation that this person is a user and not worth your time nor attention
But here’s the best part:
Excising users frees you to attract BETTER FOLKS to you
I’m not speaking about adhd/spectrum folks I’m talking about folks who ARE TOXIC, and are actively interpersonally exploitive of others—sorry thought that was clear
Take what applies, leave what doesn’t I am SPEAKING TO best practices w/ the issue OF easily CULLING TOXIC PEOPLE from our lives just toxic folks not anyone else
My psychiatrist told me long ago that removing oneself from toxic situations, and toxic people from one's life was vital for well being. It took me a long time to fully implement because there were toxic people, and situations in my life that I would not allow myself to see as toxic.
I have “don’t howl at the wolves” tattooed on my arm after my last visit to the south (old friend said she divorced her 4th husband because she found out he was a Dem…”can’t have no DEMOCRAT living in my house”. I told her “honey I bleed blue…discussion over”)No amount of debate can cure ignorance
Excellent advice. I chose this option more than a decade ago with not one but two “close” family members. Funny thing is… I don’t miss them. Still.
Family is important. Yes. Enduring repeated abuse however is not a requirement of being related.
After cancer treatment, someone told me that all the people who disappeared when I was sick 'would come back now'. My response? Why the f*ck would I want them to?
And sure enough, some of them tried. No use for fair weather 'friends'. See ya. (Hopefully not.)
I did it with my father. I rarely spoke to him anyways, but following my grandmother's death, I just cut all ties and ghosted.
I don't have the mental energy to explain why I'm leaving, and the fight that would ensue (Likely verbal, but considering his history...) isn't worth my effort.
