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Sorrowscopes

@sorrowscopes.bsky.social

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Things are terrible


(we follow our contributors)
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Crockett Houghton @crockettforreal.bsky.social · 7 mo
When life hands you lemons just hand them back. No one said you couldn’t hand them back.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Aries: This is a good time to travel and grow the fuck up.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Taurus: Things may seem bad now, but you'll make them worse. This is your gift, and everyone else's curse.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Gemini: It's time. Raise an army of scorpions and destroy everyone who has hurt you and never asked to be forgiven.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Cancer: Scientists have discovered a link between depression and seeing your face.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Leo: You will break down publicly. Your tears will be like a fine wine to many you considered closest to you. Glug, glug, glug.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Virgo: You will continue to haunt your own house, praying for any connection to those actually alive.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Libra: You long for companionship, yet you are incapable of true intimacy. Get an Amazon Echo instead.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Scorpio: Fragments of memory will come back to you at unexpected moments, detailing your previous life as some sort of pet to an intergalactic traveller. You will miss this time of no responsibilities intensely but they are gone forever.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Sagittarius: Mermaids were actually manatees that drunken sailors mistook for beautiful creatures, just like you with your ex.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Capricorn: Your DNA test will reveal a long lost brother which you’ll think is pretty cool until you find out he needs a kidney.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Aquarius: You will win the power ball! Not the lottery, the magical artifact that men kill over.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Pisces: You’ll get promoted this week after you sacrifice a coworker to the gods.
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Dr.DreadPirate @pnwdreadpirate.bsky.social · 10 hr
Ask yourself: "WTF? Why am I not following @sorrowscopes.bsky.social ? "
Avatar Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURE WHO’S TRANSPORTING YOUR SOUL ACROSS THE RIVER STYX
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURE WHO’S TRANSPORTING YOUR SOUL ACROSS THE RIVER STYX
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Aries: This is a good time to travel and grow the fuck up.
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Taurus: Things may seem bad now, but you'll make them worse. This is your gift, and everyone else's curse.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Gemini: It's time. Raise an army of scorpions and destroy everyone who has hurt you and never asked to be forgiven.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Cancer: Scientists have discovered a link between depression and seeing your face.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Leo: You will break down publicly. Your tears will be like a fine wine to many you considered closest to you. Glug, glug, glug.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Virgo: You will continue to haunt your own house, praying for any connection to those actually alive.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Libra: You long for companionship, yet you are incapable of true intimacy. Get an Amazon Echo instead.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Scorpio: Fragments of memory will come back to you at unexpected moments, detailing your previous life as some sort of pet to an intergalactic traveller. You will miss this time of no responsibilities intensely but they are gone forever.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Sagittarius: Mermaids were actually manatees that drunken sailors mistook for beautiful creatures, just like you with your ex.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Capricorn: Your DNA test will reveal a long lost brother which you’ll think is pretty cool until you find out he needs a kidney.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Aquarius: You will win the power ball! Not the lottery, the magical artifact that men kill over.
Avatar
Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 10 hr
Pisces: You’ll get promoted this week after you sacrifice a coworker to the gods.
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Hi, it’s Abby. Yep. @abbycohenwl.bsky.social · a day
Some of you didn’t spend the summer stripping the Barbies you’d outgrown naked, turning the hose on full blast and repeatedly shooting them off the edge of the birdbath and it shows
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 7 days
THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE WEIRD GUY AT 7-ELEVEN WHO WORKS THE HOT DOG ROLLER
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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 7 days
Aries: Even the voices in your head are annoying.