Jill Twiss

@jilltwiss.bsky.social

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Comedy writer. "Last Week Tonight", "The Amber Ruffin Show." Author of "A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" and "The Someone New." Friend to several penguins.

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living in fear of the day I wake up and there is no dog on the Yoga with Adriene video

no that is what the fourth round of the regional spelling bee is all aobut

Look I know it's naive to want the most capable person in America to be the President. But it is wrong to want it to be, like, in the top 10,000?

I simultaneously feel like Biden should probably not be the Democratic nominee and also that parts of the media seem weirdly gleeful about it in a way that completely ignores the consequences of electing Trump again

I think I’d be great on a reality show reunion episode. No need to do the whole season. Just let me come back in and tell all those bitches what I thought of them.

Um, just found out that for $75 I can put a plaque with anything I want written on it on a bench on Roosevelt Island for 20 years and I think $75 is exactly the amount I'm willing to spend on a good bit.

Not the point, but on first read I thought Ally was a girl and I was like OMG OF COURSE ALLY HAS ALL THE GOSSIP

lifetime appointments made more sense when people died of sneezing at 31

when they go low i go cry

NETWORKING TIP: Instead of handing out business cards, just follow people home and write your name in blood on their porch

I think I would be very popular in prison because I’m probably the only one there who could make balloon animals.

"Call your Senator!" - Senators

If I was going to give absolute immunity to only one person in America I can tell you who it wouldn’t be

No one is above the law but some people manage to slip below it I guess

If you step out of bounds as a gymnast because you were too bouncy, my opinion is that they should just move the bounds

Drank three cups of coffee and realized all the time I've wasted blinking.

Hello sir please have mercy on me and do not make me say your establishment’s punny drink name out loud

You look back at those low points in history and you think "How did the people let this happen? Why didn't they stop this?" and now that we're living one...I don't know how.

What's your favorite song about fat-shaming teapots?

tomorrow are the women's gymnastics Olympic trials so I'm gonna do a lil stretching just in case they need someone to do a Wolf Turn at the last minute

i wrote an article about how much i am NOT looking forward to the debate tomorrow uk.news.yahoo.com/prez-debate-...

FYI cupcakes are already mini-cakes. Therefore mini-cupcakes are an abomination and should be treated as such.

Every fruit now is named SUGAR NUCLEAR CAVITY EXPLOSION GRAPES or LIL SNUGGLY WHIMSICAL TOMATEES

I choose to believe that any fruit purchased outdoors is organic

i hope this email finds you in a well

gym was closed for Juneteenth but nobody told us till we showed up there to work out and that, I think, is symbolic

Found out my antibiotics also treat anthrax and gonorrhea. So not to brag, but for the next 2 weeks, I CAN GET ALL THE GONORRHEA I WANT

Every one of these Olympic athletes bullied Rory at Chilton

one real flaw in our governmental system is that it requires me to hope for people to die, and I hate that

can we please have gymnastics on tv every week like baseball