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"Our research suggests it’s really not acceptable that some people are able to have a pleasant or satisfying time being alive."

Report: It Not Fair Other People Get To Enjoy Their Liveswww.theonion.com NEW YORK—A new report released Wednesday by the Columbia University Department of Sociology concluded it’s not fair that other people get to enjoy their lives. “Our research suggests it’s really not ...

The largely silent ad, which will reportedly air in battleground states across the country, features a sequence of headshots depicting politicians, former Trump White House officials, journalists, and seemingly random average Americans with big red X’s over their faces.

New Trump Ad Shows Montage Of People He’ll Kill If Electedwww.theonion.com PHOENIX—Following this week’s landmark Supreme Court ruling granting presidents broad immunity against criminal prosecution for official acts, Donald Trump’s campaign released an ad Wednesday that con...

The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal offers his thoughts on Robert Zemeckis' subtle yet powerful critique of Reaganomics in the 1980s.

The Onion Looks Back At 'Back To The Future'www.youtube.com YouTube video by The Onion

According to sources, Biden let out a yelp after the cord sparked, but refused to relinquish the object when Secret Service agents attempted to tug it from his mouth.

Biden Spends Press Conference Gnawing On Extension Cordwww.theonion.com WASHINGTON—With the insulated electrical cord clenched firmly in his jaws, President Joe Biden spent an entire press conference Wednesday gnawing on an extension cord. The White House press corps was ...

Carlo Acutis, a devout 15-year-old who died of leukemia in 2006, has been officially recognized by Pope Francis as a saint, becoming the first of the millennial generation to be given the title. What do you think? www.theonion.com/pope-francis...

"During the Elizabethan era, for example, people were rarely asked to prove they were not a robot."

Report: Requests To Prove One Is Not A Robot Up 400,000% Over Past 500 Yearswww.theonion.com NEW YORK—In a report released Tuesday that has been hailed as equal parts fascinating and perplexing, researchers at Columbia University found that requests to prove one is not a robot have gone up 4...

"Whether it be bribery, fraud, assassination, or a coup, the president is entitled to immunity for all offenses committed during working hours Monday through Friday."

Supreme Court Rules Trump Has Immunity For Any Crime Committed Between 9 And 5www.theonion.com WASHINGTON—In a partial victory for the former president, the Supreme Court ruled this week that Donald Trump has immunity for any crime committed between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. during his tim...

"In every hypothetical matchup, Trump comes out almost four points ahead of Biden’s potential replacements, including current favorite Biden, the rising star Biden, and even a dark horse candidate, like Biden."

Poll: Democrats Trail Trump Whether They Replace Biden With Biden, Biden, Or Bidenwww.theonion.com CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a Harvard CAPS / Harris poll conducted in the wake of the first presidential debate, new data revealed that any alternative Democratic candidate was likely to lose to former Presiden...

"During the Elizabethan era, for example, people were rarely asked to prove they were not a robot."

Employee Lost Like Sailor In Maelstrom After HR Fails To Send Out Quarterly Company Updatewww.theonion.com CLEVELAND—Lacking a North Star to guide him through his workday, local office worker Evan Pullman was reportedly lost like a sailor in a maelstrom Tuesday after the human resources department at Edgem...

"It was admittedly risky to clear the president’s schedule and practice, but it was worth it to ensure he could successfully field a number of extremely difficult, sensitive questions from his wife, son, and grandchildren."

Biden Team Proud Hours Of Grueling Prep Successfully Got President Through Meeting With Familywww.theonion.com WASHINGTON—Revealing they had holed up in Camp David beforehand and grilled him nonstop for a week straight, President Joe Biden’s team confirmed Tuesday they were proud their hours of grueling prep h...

"Oh, shit, that was my job?"

Stressed-Out God Didn’t Realize He Was Supposed To Reincarnate All Those Dead Peoplewww.theonion.com THE HEAVENS—Groaning as He surveyed the massive piles of souls, a stressed-out God confirmed Tuesday that He had not realized He was supposed to reincarnate all those dead people. “Oh, shit, that was ...

The state of Vermont agreed to pay $175,000 in damages to a man who was pulled over for giving an officer the middle finger and arrested for disorderly conduct. What do you think? www.theonion.com/vermont-sett...

Dental Hygienist Digs A Little Harder Every Time She Mentions Husbandwww.theonion.com The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

Bannon’s Corrosive Skin Secretions Immediately Burn Through Handcuffs Placed On Wristswww.theonion.com The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

"Taylor Swift’s reliance on gas-guzzling private jets continued today when she burned over 200 gallons of fuel traveling to a nearby Burberry."

Taylor Swift Under Fire For Leaving Idling Plane Double-Parked Outside Storewww.theonion.com NEW YORK—Drawing intense criticism from climate activists over her enormous carbon footprint, Taylor Swift reportedly came under fire Monday after aviation journalists located her idling plane double-...

Defending her 81-year-old husband in the wake of his highly criticized debate performance, first lady Jill Biden reportedly assured an audience of Democratic donors Monday that she “hit[s] that on the daily,” referring to President Joe Biden.

Jill Biden: ‘I Hit That On The Daily’www.theonion.com EAST HAMPTON, NY—Defending her 81-year-old husband in the wake of his highly criticized debate performance, first lady Jill Biden reportedly assured an audience of Democratic donors Monday that she “h...

"This guy is out to lunch, and he won’t do anything to stop you from making your wildest, most fucked-up dreams a reality."

Democratic Ad Claims Doddering, Out-Of-It Biden Will Let Nation Get Away With Whatever Crazy Shit It Wantswww.theonion.com WASHINGTON—With the party’s candidate facing increased pressure to step down after a disastrous debate performance, the Democratic National Committee released a commercial Monday that claims a dodde...

The landmark reversal nullifies all previously lawful forms of right and makes it very difficult for Americans to make ethical decisions or be generally decent human beings without facing criminal charges.

Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong'www.theonion.com WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday overturned Right v. Wrong.

"While there’s a strong historical precedent for a lavish excursion to Bali, the plaintiff has instead taken a more unorthodox approach and presented an all-expenses-paid diving trip off the shores of Aruba."

Clarence Thomas Torn Over Case Where Both Sides Offer Compelling Scuba Tripswww.theonion.com WASHINGTON—Admitting that he had never been more conflicted about a ruling in his life, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was reportedly torn Monday over a case in which both sides offered compell...

"Our research suggests there’s a strong correlation between scurrying up onto a 50-foot-wide human palm and being spirited away to an incredible realm ruled by behemoths."

Report Links Climbing Onto Enormous Index Finger With Being Whisked Away To Kingdom Of Giantswww.theonion.com NEW YORK—In a finding that sheds light upon the lives of hundreds of Americans who experience similar fates each year, a Columbia University report released Friday linked climbing onto an enormous ind...

Former Jackass star Bam Margara agreed to six months of probation after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct in an assault against his brother Jess Margara. What do you think? www.theonion.com/bam-margera-...

"Contrary to the abhorrent rumors circulating about our company, Maybelline does not test our waterproof eye makeup on live Italian widows."

Maybelline Denies Lab-Testing Mascara On Italian Widowswww.theonion.com NEW YORK—In response to numerous complaints filed with the USDA, Maybelline publicly denied lab-testing their mascara products on Italian widows Friday, calling the accusation a “harmful, baseless rum...

"I keep meaning to get around to it, but the month is almost over and I still haven’t screamed, ‘You’re a groomer!’ at the cashiers in this place."

Procrastinating Bigot Waits Until June 29 To Make Big Deal About Store’s Pride Merchwww.theonion.com DURHAM, NC—With little more than a day remaining to voice the vitriolic rage he feels toward LGBTQ+ people, sources reported Thursday that local bigot Darren Fernald had waited until June 29 to make a...

"Our post-debate polling indicates that one of the only way the president can recover from yesterday’s catastrophic evening is by gathering likely voters next to the train tracks and using the sheer power of his jaw and neck muscles to pull a 4,000-ton train."

Analysts: Biden Can Negate Debate Performance By Pulling Train With Chain Clenched Between Teethwww.theonion.com WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a disastrous night that left Democrats reeling over their candidate for the 2024 election, political analysts confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden could negate his ...

According to sources, White House aides and advisors were seen averting their gaze as they wordlessly walked straight to their desks and stared at the black screens of their computers, unwilling to log on.

Eye Contact-Avoiding Biden Administration Still Hasn’t Said Word To Each Other Since Last Nightwww.theonion.com WASHINGTON—In the wake of what was widely viewed as a disastrous debate performance, eye contact-avoiding members of the Biden administration still haven’t said a word to each other since last night, ...

Trump: “We have a system that is rigged and disgusting.” TRUE: You’re seeing it on full display.

Fact Checking The Trump–Biden Debate On CNNwww.theonion.com Former President Donald Trump and current President Biden squared off for the first presidential debate of 2024 on CNN. The Onion’s fact checkers diligently combed through 90 minutes of pure slop to c...

"I’d barely made it out of the parking lot before I passed six different signs describing the same kind of reed, and each one was more detailed than the last."

Ambitious Nature Center Squeezes 25 Informational Placards Out Of Sad Little Marshwww.theonion.com PETALUMA, CA—Noting that whoever was in charge clearly took the assignment and ran with it, sources told reporters Friday that an overly ambitious nature center had squeezed 25 informational placards ...

Tesla has recalled its Cybertruck for the fourth time due to an error with the windshield wiper controller getting too much electrical current. What do you think? www.theonion.com/tesla-s-cybe...

Cover yourself in your fear of everything. Order The Onion's new shirt today: store.theonion.com/collections/...

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