Eric Replatformed

@21stcenturyeric.bsky.social

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Red hot hypersonic nonsequitur and reluctant Michigander.

https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:56qlzx4tulfm2muuj2kpuit6/feed/aaab5q3jprwzi

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Eric Replatformed

*cutting my grass at 8am on sunday* me: everyone in this neighborhood already hates me this won’t change anything

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Eric Replatformed

We told my family to get bail gift certificates for my son’s birthday.

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Eric Replatformed

Day 2 of consuming unwise quantities of black raspberries. I am no quitter, so expect skeets about tummy aches and potty runs later tonight.

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Eric Replatformed

No one can make you feel bad without your permission, but I’ve always been a “Yes, and …” guy.

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Eric Replatformed

Being an outstanding parent involves pressuring your kid to work at retail stores where you want to abuse the employee discount.

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Eric Replatformed

My wife mentioned that she needs to quit drinking coffee and the lizard part of my brain was 1st to weigh in with the thought, "More for Sméagol."

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Eric Replatformed

It is because I have spent over 52 years being deliberately aware and observant that I am able to predict with 98% certainty whether our waitress has pierced nipples

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Eric Replatformed

Today is my Dad's 69th birthday. Let the awkward hilarity ensue.

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Eric Replatformed

Sneaking in a spoon after paying extra for front row seats to the Jello wrestling tourney.

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Eric Replatformed

In NJ if someone says "halfway there" you're legally required to say "livin on a prayer"

I thought she was rolling out the red carpet for me but it turned out to be a whole bunch of red flags

Who is a pirate's favorite US president? FD Arrrrh

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Eric Replatformed

*gets cuke & tomato out of fridge* *gets onion from pantry* *gets avocado from fruit bowl* *gets oil & salt & pepper* *eats apple fritter*

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Eric Replatformed

every time you stop making sense David Byrne’s suit grows 2 sizes

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Eric Replatformed

I'm looking to buy a time-share in a survival bunker, and it's a real game of chance trying to correctly guess which week the world will end.

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Eric Replatformed

when I say “the other day” it might be 1998 who even knows

I am the honkiest honkey to ever honk but I am getting soul food tonight because that's what my Jewish friend wanted.

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Eric Replatformed

Bulb’s out in the refrigerator so I painted all of the food with glow-in-the-dark paint.

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Eric Replatformed

Succulent sounds less like a plant and more like a very tawdry banking transaction.

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Eric Replatformed

The nemesis of country star Luke Combs is rock star Leia Brushes.

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Eric Replatformed

[runs thru forest] "I am FREEE!" [savagely clotheslined by treebranch]

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Eric Replatformed

Amazed to be sitting here talking to you by tapping on a glass that also holds all human knowledge instead of doing what everyone else has done through history, die of Plague.

If you both more or less simultaneously stop communicating, is it really ghosting?

Yo mama is serving Arnold Palmers* at the turn. *Half-hearted hand jobs

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Eric Replatformed

Me: You’re so beautiful. Her: And you… can you close the blinds and turn the light off, please?

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Eric Replatformed

do you honestly believe i have the energy to stand up while i pee??? i’m using that time to relax ffs

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Eric Replatformed

Pronouncing “edamame” like “eat a mommy”

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Eric Replatformed

pharmacist: can you spell out the name of the prescription you want refilled please? me: absolutely, it’s C-H-E-E-T-O-S

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Eric Replatformed

This attack mower came at us but it chickened out probably after its scan showed what a devastating unit we are.

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Eric Replatformed

Just over here being a snack for the mosquitoes minding my own business.