ME: White women do love being named shit like 𝗝𝗼 𝗔𝗻𝗻 𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘀 🤣
MY BLACK FRIEND JO ANN FINGERS I FORGOT ABOUT: 👍
ME: (deletes)
ME: Apologies for a post I wrote earlier. I will do better.
ME: (deletes)
ME: (calls Jo Ann Fingers)
ME: (hangs up, no message)
ME: I have an EMAIL VIRUS!!!
JO ANN FINGERS: 🫂
FRIEND: I can't believe we got transported to Dead World, but we're both alive. I wonder what they eat on Dead World.
ME: All I know is, it better not be us!
NEARBY SKELETON: It most obviously is not. We just starve unless alive meat TRANSPORTS here?? Get your head out of your ass. Fuck you.
The reason James Cameron is such a good director is because he's named after what he does. Cameron. Camera-ing. I ran out of good jokes for Bluesky in April and will be posting shit like this while I write new material. Please bear with me, or just check in the next time a new social app pops up. 👋
The Marie Antoinette of having IBS. Three world governments have designated me "kill on sight". MDiv from George Clooney Theological University Online, 2019. And YES, I use it. Met Rev. George after graduation and he looked unhoused. She/her
JOHN KERRY, 2004: White Castle is fine, but now I hope Harold and Kumar GO… to the polls!
AL GORE, 2000: I just saw an ad for Girls Gone Wild. Tell me about when girls GONE… to the polls!
BILL CLINTON, 1996: Have you all seen Get Shorty? Be like John Travolta and GET, or, I mean, GO… to the polls!
Report: planned "Bedtime for Bonzo" reboot canned. Universal Studios president Peter Cramer described a shift in strategy for the company, focusing more time on developing side projects that will contribute to an "Extended Bonzo Universe" before the release of the "Avengers"-style "Bonzo" tentpole.
You knew in your heart it was true, even before you read this: if Audrey Hepburn was alive and young today she would be sporting a doublewide kardashian dumper. Absolute mismatched wrecking ball of a big fake ass. Good night though, can't talk more.
"written for the screen by"
Always always get outta here with that bs. You copied and pasted a library book into final draft. Go sit in the car until I'm ready to talk to you again.
Joe Biden and Donald Trump have both been killed this evening when, according to eye witnesses, each man simultaneously "Million Dollar Babied himself" on opposite ends of a coffee table while trying to do that huge Neo vs Agent Smith flying double punch from Matrix Revolutions
No stream tonight. I will actually be taking an indefinite time away from The League of Extraordinary Gamers house after some extremely not extraordinary developments in the custody of my gradeschooler.
killingmork
I cut Mork belly his intrial spill out 😈😈
lisa64
DELETE THIS
killingmork
NO!! He will never to Ork now. Except as corp 🔪🩸
lisa64
Robin Williams died this morning, at his own hand.
killingmork
Oh my GOD 😭 I have no idea /ooc
killingmork
I swallow 10 cup of Mork blood in Robin honor 😭
Reeling from an underwhelming debate performance, the Biden campaign has revealed their strongest rebuttal yet to doubts over the president's fitness: Red Biden. The skin and eyes of the 81-year-old commander-in-chief are now red. If elected, he would be the ruddiest president in American history.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your biggest strength?
ME: I am committed to giving birth to 500 devils and demons within my lifetime. I am singularly interested in this and in nothing else.
INTERVIEWER: That's essentially perfect for us. I'm so glad we gave you this interview to find that out.
My entire family shot down in front of our 5-tray food dehydrator on the orders of a mob boss who casually stepped over their bodies for a few dried apple chips.
If there is one birthday worth celebrating today, it's the anniversary of Billy Joel's twelfth studio album "River of Dreams". Released on August 10, 1993, the record would go on to become certified five-times platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America.
Variety reports Pixar is courting Bill Hader and Mindy Kaling to return to Inside Out 3 with promises their respective characters of Fear and Disgust will be central to the plot, where teenager Riley is locked in a dark barn and pelted with clods of horse shit by unknown assailants for two hours.
When I hear the quiet, contemplative and even prayerful songs of a young Paul Simon, all I can think of is how bad he must have needed to get his ass and tube sucked. I truly believe I could give Paul Simon dome so good he would have put down his silly guitar forever.
Hey if any of you remember my buddy Capoeira Dennis, he's on here posting again but going by a new name. He gave up the white boy capoeira grind and he's going by Jelly Dennis, feeling out a new thing with these huge asscheek implants he got. Please give him a follow and compliment his giant can.
At the risk of sounding sentimental, I do think the people who spend their energy writing little jokes online to uplift their fellow strangers are more valuable, intelligent and human than almost any other class of people today. And I hope they will join me in voting for Donald J. Trump in November.
GUY WHO'S NEVER SEEN A TV SHOW EXCEPT DAVID SIMON'S TREMÉ: Oh you've GOT to check out Tremé. Best show on TV from the last 10 years. Well, I think. Didn't get a lot of TV time when I was held captive in David Simon's cellar. That's why I've never seen other TV. I'm David Simon's secret basement son.
