Haiku Platypus

Haiku Platypus

@haikuplatypus.bsky.social

1831

Posts

A thing worth saying
can be said in a haiku.
Trust a Platypus.

https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:h4srao33inyylrmwz3jqlysg/feed/aaaltajzy2xk2

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I dreamt of you again last night. You didn’t like me there, either.

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When my youngest was 4, he told me he was playing the banjo while in utero, and the older he gets, the more I believe he was telling the truth.

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Me: You’re so beautiful. Her: And you… can you close the blinds and turn the light off, please?

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I’m not really horny, per se, I can’t quite think of the right word… oh yeah, dead inside.

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Voluntarily going into work on Sunday because it’s better than spending time alone with me.

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Her: Tell me one thing you really like in a woman. Me: Jizz. Lots and lots of jizz.

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Fair thee well, you piece of shit.

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Believe in yourself, you dumb motherfucker.

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Live, laugh, launch me into the sun.

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Sweet can turn bitter, kisses are no exception, as light fades to dark.

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“What fresh fuckery is this?” I say while putting aside the expired fuckery.

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I get my Kung Fu fighting skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

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We breathe in, breathe out. Poetry surrounds us all. We simply must breathe.

(Slight revision…) We breathe in, breathe out. Poetry surrounds, binds us. We simply must breathe.

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I should do that too But it’s 100 degrees I’ll scroll instead, cool

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revenge is not enough, i need to fuck their dad

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HOW IT STARTED: [me, crying] HOW IT’S GOING: [me, crying and sweating]

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“YES, AND” ME, YOU BITCH

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Why sure, dear daughter, I will take a break from shitposting to prepare your hello kitty ramen in your hello kitty ramen bowl.

Worked out in my hot garage; think I sweated my anxiety out!

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I don't mean to brag, but I've been on a downward spiral since I was 4 months old.

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psst. hey buddy. wanna buy some serotonin? *opens one side of trenchcoat to reveal bird pictures*

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btw I'm off work for the rest of the month and am not going to be able to do much besides sit around. I am so sorry in advance about everything

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one of those Red Bull people who go around with a bucket handing out drinks to people, except they're on public transit and they're handing out deodorant

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calling in greasy to work

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me, in a job interview: oh I'm amazing at working with difficult people. my very own brain sabotages everything I try to do every single day

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"pith helmet" is just someone saying "piss helmet" with a lisp

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steadily increasing my taco intake in order to become the Canadian version of the Las Vegas sphere

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I have zero appreciable talents but I firmly believe I can monetize this I'll wear a white shirt, plop myself down somewhere, and companies can pay to project ads onto me

steadily increasing my taco intake in order to become the Canadian version of the Las Vegas sphere