The stag in Badger’s Drift Mummers is found steamed to death. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Holm’s green society, angry that badger culling might threaten ChatGPT (Mansplaining as a Service).
The manager of a nazi-tolerating social media company is found sliced up and fed to pigs. Suspicion falls on Morton Fendle’s society of Venus watchers, worried that the end of local tobacco production might threaten reruns of Are You Being Served.
A person who doesn’t talk to cleaners is found dead following a heated parish council meeting. Suspicion falls on Kingswood Country’s leader of a local steel band, upset that Pizza Hut orders routed though Midsomer Mallow might threaten the local Rusty Nail-and-Hook festival.
A visiting Toby Jug provenance evaluator is found beaten to death with an oak staff. Suspicion falls on Little Auburn’s Association of Argentine Tango Dancers, frightened that a plan to sell off the mansion might threaten to chop down the millenia-old yew tree.
An eccentric pensioner is found with the eyeballs pecked out by a glossy ibis. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Cicely’s pigeon pant makers, angry that midnight rituals might threaten duffle coat production.
A teapot collector is found booted into eternity. Suspicion falls on Kingswood Country’s genetics society, worried that the arrival of a touring pantomime might threaten a nearby grotto associated with a medieval saint.
An empathic microbiologist is found strangled with dental floss. Suspicion falls on Pandlefoot Bailey’s plucky gnome weaver of beribboned lavender wands, upset that meddling ornithologists might threaten urgent climate change action.
A former Prime Minister is found dead with their privates inexplicably lodged in the vicarage donations box. Suspicion falls on Torpenhow’s financially-embarrassed aristocrat, deeply concerned that competition for parking spaces in Sainsbury’s might threaten the local Rusty Nail-and-Hook festival.
A 60 year old woman dressed as Olaf the snowman is found self-combusted with a pencil in each hand. Suspicion falls on Gumpton Marsh’s ghost hunters society, upset that the opening of a new Boston Dynamics testing facility might threaten the centuries-old maypole tradition.
An undecided quantum information theorist is found run over by a steamroller. Suspicion falls on Watership’s Neighbourhood Watch Alliance, angry that the village's new bell-ringing team might threaten the decoration of bespoke bridal cakes.
The local end-of-the-world street preacher is found dead after eating hallucinogenic spinach. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Wellow’s hyrlîan team, disturbed that a proposed zoo might threaten agricultural exhibitions in the country.
The local stranger is found dead in a pit full of cobras. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Worthy’s church community, frightened that a giant, runaway inflatable duck might threaten to reveal that the moon is not made of cheese.
A secretarial student is found dead after a tragic masturbation ’accident’. Suspicion falls on Ferne Basset’s circus troupe, worried that dangerous liaisons on a croquet lawn might threaten the end of The Economist.
A local mayor is found with an arrow inflicting a mortal wound on the left side of the belly. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Herne’s pencil sharpening society, obsessed that the closure of the local cake shop might threaten rambling rights.
A pornography baron is found dead in a manner inspired by The Bill. Suspicion falls on Matching Trousers’ Pigeon Fancier Club, angry that bad takes by Quillette might threaten centuries of ultimately pointless tradition.
A local candle maker is found stung to death by deliberately enraged bees. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Market’s suspicious out-of-towners, deeply concerned that a bitter feud between local academics might threaten the annual cheese festival.
A woebegone lexicographer is found torn apart by hedgehogs. Suspicion falls on Haddington’s audiologist, One-Eared Brian, confused that cryptocurrencies might threaten 16 more murders.
A keen-eyed lapidarist is found guillotined. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Morchard’s cosplay society, angry that long-held grudges in the local arts and crafts community might threaten Causton’s chances at winning the Village of the Year award.
Someone who thinks these are actual TV episode plots is found torn apart by hedgehogs. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Morchard’s poacher, obsessed that Daily Mail readers might threaten DCI Barnaby’s future as a detective.
The local Karen is found stabbed during a brothel scuffle. Suspicion falls on Fag End’s ghost hunters society, angry that a new housing estate might threaten traffic chaos in Causton.
A tychophobic statistician is found drowned at the bottom of the mill pond. Suspicion falls on Bachelors Bump’s tech bro, upset that midnight rituals might threaten to cover a Tory MP’s wife’s Land Rover with graffiti.
A medieval-sword-fighting-enthusiast philosopher is found with a crushed skull from an empty coke bottle dropped from a light plane. Suspicion falls on Newton Magna’s fired ceramic artist, confused that red signage on a tool shop might threaten to make the sun set on the British Empire.
Overheard in a cafe here in New Zealand: A regular has just been told that her daughter has used her good dressmaking scissors to trim her horse's mane. Warnings of dire retribution and strong words have been issued. The situation is escalating. Bystanders agree that retaliation is the only option.
A mysophobic epidemiologist is found magnetised to a steel sculpture of Lakshmi Mittal. Suspicion falls on Weston-lesser-Mare’s professional clown guild, upset that the village's new bell-ringing team might threaten agricultural exhibitions in the country.
