gotdamn if this isn’t EXACTLY what destroys relationships of every kind between men and women—family, platonic, workplace, romantic
no amount of love can withstand being shot down every single time she opens her mouth
thinkin about the time I invited someone I really liked to join me on a work trip
and he responded with a biting criticism of the destination, which I had not chosen, see: WORK TRIP
it later emerged he reacted that way because he couldn’t afford the flight
which would have been COMPLETELY FINE
what men think women are judging them for:
- not being rich enough
- not knowing everything
- not being perfect at things
- not taking charge enough
what women are actually judging men for:
- covering all those insecurities up by being a reflexively negative dick to the people they love most
and the wild thing is most dudes ONLY do this to women they feel particularly vulnerable around
so you gotta watch them be enthusiastic and encouraging to OTHER people
while knowing you don’t get to experience that side of them because you’re close enough to trigger their defense mechanisms
Adding one more point to this thread bc it’s gone so wide:
Gents. Whatever expectations of perfection you think the women in your lives have of you, that contribute to this reflex—either those are in your own mind or the women in your life suck.
Your imperfection will ATTRACT the right women.
It’s y’all telling each other that women want the guy who can build furniture without looking at the instructions.
We want the guy who can be on the floor in a pile of hardware laughing about how bad the instructions are with us, two hours into trying and failing to build the stupid furniture.
We don’t want the guy who never asks us to meet his emotional needs, but gets surly and defensive about toothpaste because his unspoken emotional needs aren’t getting met.
We want the guy who communicates how he’s feeling BEFORE it becomes a festering wound, while it’s still just a conversation.
Stop talking to yourselves like you’re worthless and can’t do anything right, and it’ll be easier for you to stop talking to women that way.
Get a CBT workbook. Explore where your automatic negative thoughts come from. Read some stuff about attachment theory.
Do this for you, not for women.
On the whole, I think I don't do this; I am relatively secure in my insecurities. I know where that furniture is, and I can mostly avoid bumping into it at night. HOWEVER, there is a situation at hand in my life that this fits to a T, and you may have just shown me how to resolve it.
So: thanks.
On the flip side, one of my oldest dearest male friends has been cutting me deeply by pretending my writing self doesn't even exist. This thread has made me feel a little less lousy.
gently: you’re doing some good introspection here! however, notice that you could have omitted everything up to and including the big “however” without significantly changing the meaning. that half of the skeet mostly sets up the kind of oppositional framing the OP was describing.
Can't tell you how much I appreciate the 'gently,' esp. at this exact juncture of my life! Thanks!
I take your point!
I *think* I am showing my work when submitting my homework.
Is that useful? In an open teaching process, maybe?
(Also, it's just how I process. I have to express to analyze.)
Also also, that's perhaps not the best explanation. It is challenging for me to distill complicated life/thoughts into short formats.
Thank you for your insightful (and gentle) comment.
I have been experiencing this exact thing.
So much enthusiasm for new hires on his work team - so smart, so cool - while at home, every idea gets a negative response.
