Eldercare, something I spent a LOT of time on in the last 13 years as an only child & the subject no one wants to talk about. Until it hits them. So many friends reaching out to me now b/c they saw what I went thru, and they're only now realizing how hard it is. š shorturl.at/npCyS 1/
It's curiously an area where people lack imaginative empathy. Many friends would lchange the subject on me if I spoke of it. None of the kind of knowing empathy of caring for children. It was maddening and demoralizing. At least a few friends didn't completely blow me off. I'm grateful for them. 2/2
It is. And if you have to do some of these tasks earlier than anticipated (sick parents in their early 70s) thereās even less empathy. People donāt realize how tricky this is to navigate
Also, somehow most of my peersā parents are better off/have more resources. Iām an only child, fatherās dead, and mom has nothing but a very paltry social security. That does not buy assisted living near me.
No question. Raising kids tends to come with parenting groups. I haven't had to arrange play dates for my parents.
(And I'm very lucky to have three siblings who are extraordinarily good at this stuff. Alone must be terrible).
I experienced lots of this too. Now that I have kids, I think the reason itās easier to have empathy for that situation is that itās easier to turn the suffering that comes with kids into a joke. With aging parents, there is less humor, and the joy is something one needs to search for
I think part of it is also the lack of control about it. If you hear āhaving kids is awfulā you can think āok, I just wonāt do thatā but elder care can seem like a looming event that you canāt choose to avoid.
Iāve been there for years now, and itās so hard. My Mom passed away after several years of Alzheimerās. My Dad is still alive, but the stress of dealing with my Mom took so much out of him.
They call it the long goodbye and itās so awful.
Itās a terrible disease that makes already hard eldercare worse. Both my parents had dementia until my mom died. Dad still around. āThe long goodbyeā is totally accurate as a way of describing the disease and toll on families. US healthcare & oneās own savings utterly unequipped to address it.
Handling it as an only child is really really hard. The number of times Iāve thought, āI need a grown-up to helpā and then realized I am the grown-up and had a little meltdown.
Yes, and after seeing @unlawfulentries.bsky.social post about elder care and nursing home staff immigrant stats it reminded me of that group of, initially, strangers who show care and compassion for people as professional caregivers. No familial bond other than fellow travelers in this world.ā¤ļøš¤ššš
it is so very isolating- you are trying to protect your dad and his dignity so you limit who he is around- which limits you, of course. and if you havenāt gone through it thereās no understanding of just how worthily exhausting it is.
My grandma lives close to my Dad so he is the one who does pretty much all the care work. She had to go to the hospital and my dad had COVID so he had to stay home. My uncle came into town to help, then called his sister for back up bc it was so much work.Then they ended up calling a cousin to help.
ā¤ļø it's tough. A lot of the resources available are not really geared to anything other than the situation where an older person is independent and can still manage a lot themselves despite health issues.
something called the "Sandwich generation" should be way better than what it is
