chris.

me: there's been a murder! chief of police of flavortown: uh oh the mayors not gonna like this the mayor of flavortown: [suddenly appearing from a puff of smoke, flipping sunglasses from back of head to front just to take them off again] will it affect the flavor me: what the fuck is happening

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chris.

blocks lists and labels haven’t melted enough people’s brains bluesky introduce public downvotes you cowards

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chris.

It was on this very horror a hundred years ago that I picked up some lost highway townsfolk said was just me being reincarnated from a feel good sprinkler runoff of the summer

While you were sleeping, the Fae replaced your cheese with a changeling.

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chris.

Okay, hang on, wait, let me get the dry erase board real quick and I'll show you what mansplaining actually is.

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chris.

Cut me open and count the rings of despair.

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chris.

I need to find out who made this big mess I'm in

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chris.

Jesus is alive and very unwell in this Dollarama on this day.

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chris.

“What fresh fuckery is this?” I say while putting aside the expired fuckery.

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chris.

You’ll know when I’m really excited because my crystal will begin to glow

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chris.

i don't want to be told i'm funny i want to be asked if i'm ok

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chris.

a block isn’t enough we need to duel with flaming swords

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chris.

Okay, now explain it to me again as though I’m a theoretical physicist

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chris.

now i like a pbj as much as the next guy maybe even more but the j stands for jelly goddamnit or jam if you’re from the south so don’t come at me with your fancy big city preserves and compotes unless you want to meet my fists skippy and jif

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chris.

I asked the hotel for a wake up call and they told me my skinny jeans and red parka make me look like a lollipop

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chris.

Would you mind if I asked you questions without listening to the answers? It’s my one true passion in life

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chris.

One night stand One nightstand Spacing is important if you don’t want to find divorce papers when you arrive home from furniture shopping

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chris.

Them: know thyself Me googling: how can I un-know myself

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chris.

can’t busy hitting rock bottom with both fists

"I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK," I bellow at the frightened teenager pouring my milkshake.

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chris.

I believe checking yo self before you wreck yourself has fallen out of fashion.

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chris.

My mental hygiene is like a dirty hamster cage

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chris.

“Unhinged” implies that I was once “hinged.” I am as hingeless as the day God made me.

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chris.

Grimm Bro: I'm imagining a wolf stalking & eating a girl — Grimm Bro2: Write that down to read to children