chris.

@azedand2knots.bsky.social

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Horrors and hot dogs.

(she/they)

https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:kpnkmducrwtq3ly4miy3ymoe/feed/aaajole3giqdq

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chris.

[At the g7 summit] May we take a short recess? I need to make a deposit at the bank of pee-pee

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chris.

He died doing what he loved, and, partly, because he did not read the directions about doing what he loved

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chris.

I’ve applied Benadryl gel to my back for the crazy hives and while it’s drying, I’m sitting here topless. just thought you guys should know

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chris.

I accidentally shit myself during the New York City Marathon last year. I was a spectator.

Thank you lovely! 🖤

Oh! Thank you both!

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chris.

Being unable to carry any notes myself I've enlisted the ants to take Latin pre- and suffixes to the birds. What's your name now discombobwhiteulated

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chris.

thinking about the time a guy @‘ed me that if i keep reposting so much he would have to block me so i reposted it and he blocked me

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chris.

I love when someone is like “hey r u busy” & I can say “ya I’m squeezing my lizards blackheads so he can start releasing pheromones again. Why whatsup?” It’s gratifying. Like I’m a business woman.

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chris.

Kids in horror movies are the worst artists. Let me guess, Rylan, another fucking black hole?

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chris.

Watched one of those videos today where people portion out a cake using wine glasses to maintain my level of outrage.

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chris.

Oh my technicolor fuck and sleeping in the same bed, I don't think we're edited for television anymore

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chris.

It's not really a house party until I'm in the backyard petting your dog.

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chris.

Today was as if Monday decided it wasn’t shitty enough already so it rolled in a pile of dog shit and swam in a river of raw sewage.

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chris.

The FBI also checked my pants and found explosive material. (diarrhea)

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chris.

I was looking at my phone while eating string cheese and somehow missed my mouth and stuck it up my nose, then I choked a bit and sneezed the piece of cheese onto my desk and knocked my water over. I am in hell

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chris.

where do i opt out of receiving information

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chris.

I shit you not. There used to be a phone number you could call to get the time and temperature

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chris.

What's under my jorts, you ask? Junderwear, of course.

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chris.

Billions of years of evolution and all I got was a pile of laundry

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chris.

It's too hot outside, and the manager at this Applebee's says they have no control over that so I'm calling corporate headquarters from the parking lot until I get answers.

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chris.

"Everyone will remember where they were when it happened" I don't even know where I am NOW

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chris.

It is written that for every Bon Jovi there is an Evil Jovi counterpart committing unspeakable atrocities

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chris.

Pfft kids these days are so weak. Back in my day we drank mercury and died horrible deaths

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chris.

you will look me in the eye when your servers are experiencing issues and feel the shame seep into your being

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chris.

I’m going to teach a master class in bad life choices.

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chris.

I was someone’s muse once — they’re dead now

Nobody wants to work anymore? Bro, nobody I know even wants to LIVE anymore.

CAN'T WORK A CASH REGISTER IF YOU'RE A CORPSE.

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chris.

I was introduced to the concept of irony when I was 5 yrs old and almost choked on a butter-rum Life Saver