Tim Onion: NEWS: My friends and I now own and run The Onion. I’ll be the CEO. We’re keeping the entire staff, bringing back The Onion News Network, and will share the wealth with staff. Basically, we’re going to let them do whatever they want. Get excited.

NEWS: My friends and I now own and run The Onion. I’ll be the CEO. We’re keeping the entire staff, bringing back The Onion News Network, and will share the wealth with staff. Basically, we’re going to let them do whatever they want. Get excited.

The Onion Is Sold by G/O Mediawww.nytimes.com The satirical news website was bought by a new firm in Chicago that took inspiration for its name, Global Tetrahedron, from a book written by The Onion’s staff.

Now give The Onion a dollar or we will close it forever.

Give Us $1 Or ‘The Onion’ Disappears Foreverwww.theonion.com Today, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from America’s Finest News Source. Like so many have done through the decades, you doubtless entered the hyperlink in...

I will not give you a dollar but I will slap three people who did not give you a dollar

…Ben, this is the legal counsel you need. Hire him quick.

Seconded!

You mean to slap people, right?

You were going to do it anyways, weren't you SlapHat

It’s called efficiency Tony look it up

IT’S CALLED MANAGEMENT DELEGATION AND IT’S WHAT MADE AMERICA GREAT AND ALSO HEAVY OVERLEVERAGED

Where's the line form and what is the admission? Asking for a friend.

Three dollars.

I admire your ongoing commitment to the high standards of the Onion Extortion Proxy. [sickos.gif]

I would pay another dollar to watch

*gets in the slap line*

what abt six people + a sea bass

more like SLAPP

<“Airplane” slap line gif>

I bet there are people who would pay way more than a dollar for you to slap them. Unfortunately, one of them is going to have to wait until at least 2035, and then pay a bunch of restitution first.

*slapp

they deserve you dollar just for that SC amicus brief.

*sigh* Reporting for duty

if I donated $4 does that mean I can prevent you from slapping those three people and also un-slapping/de-slapping/anti-slapping one other non-donating person

Looking forward to watching you slap yourself.

I’ll cover Ken, myself, and the three slapees.

Something something knows the law like the back of his hand something something

I will purposely not give a dollar just to get slapped by popehat!!!!

I dont wanna get slapped!

🤣

I’ll poke them in the eye as they try to recover from the insult, in homage to the three stooges *slap* *doink* *slap* *doink*

Put your face in one of the Man on the Street interview photos and I’ll do it

I will give them money when they sell these again.

Best cockrings ever.

I'm sure Bruce would get one.

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?www.theonion.com Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, ...

@bencollins.bsky.social you better be sending me Anna's $1 for this

Ben now you really do have to do it

This one also works rather well:

Did nobody else see this 16 hours ago?

These are excellent

@nonabsorbing.bsky.social

use my dollar well by which I mean please spend it in the most frivolous possible manner, preferably on expensive weed or something

Yeah, go full Vice.

I support WtYPPod, the BPL, Some More News, and now the Onion in doing stupid shit with money in defiance of capitalism

Fuck, I thought you had a dollar well, like you throw a bucket in and come up with a bucket’o cash. 😞

I hope my dollar was used in the correct form of throwing it at a particularly good pole dance.

now hand over the onion

I've never impulse donated so fast in my life.

awesome news, look forward to seeing how it grows from here!

I may even pony up for a buck fifty.

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