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@gupton68.bsky.social

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pineapple whisperer in training

the man, the myth, the bellend

my BS bs: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:3bnoyda3i7sv7k6p3vzmjtvj/feed/aaadqbbtnlfxy

my top bs: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:3bnoyda3i7sv7k6p3vzmjtvj/feed/aaahguixerquo
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Chestbursty @chestrovert.bsky.social · 2 days
"Everyone will remember where they were when it happened" I don't even know where I am NOW
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bacon popsicle 🤡 @gupton68.bsky.social · a day
kid: I feel funny, mom mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school son
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bacon popsicle 🤡 @gupton68.bsky.social · 6 days
I promise you Boris, if you can nail these moves you'll have your pick of the gals at the midwinter ball.
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bacon popsicle 🤡 @gupton68.bsky.social · 2 days
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underpants I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection. So I bought a second pair.
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bacon popsicle 🤡 @gupton68.bsky.social · 1 mo
*walks into the drugstore* *whispers seductively in the druggist's ear* Xanax please. All of it.
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Twin Dad @twinsurvivalist.bsky.social · a day
Eating a bowl full of sauerkraut like I have a plumber on retainer.
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BEAVE ² @beaveinflow.bsky.social · 17 hr
Learn to enjoy the small things, like airing out your armpits on a hot summer day.
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Raquel Squelch @raquelsquelch.bsky.social · 11 hr
My name tag says Hiyoure Prettynice because I didn't have enough room for "Skin deep beauty detonates with the trigger of time so if you hear ticking, please say my name"
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Thurlinda found out... @tickystacky.bsky.social · 12 hr
Why are the credit card readers rushing me?! All of them tell me to swipe my card quickly and it's too much pressure! Anyway, Jasmine got her braces off and then her boyfriend left her because he apparently has a thing for braces. I wish I had braces to take off so my boyfriend would leave me!
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Brosephine Wires @joparkerbear.bsky.social · 13 hr
I went to see my neighbor recently & his friend told me he went on vacation for a couple of weeks. How nice, I thought. All he does is care for his mom 24/7. Just saw him at the mailbox. “How was your vacation?” “Terrible.” “How come?” “I took it in the county jail.”
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Sweetie π @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social · 14 hr
“I bet they smelled vile” me, referring to any historical figure pre-1950s
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Sadie @sadieisupset.bsky.social · 3 days
Saying “super duper” to show appreciation for something nice I did isn’t bad per se, but don’t expect me to go down on you again anytime soon
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Theciscokidder @theciscokidder.bsky.social · 17 hr
Starting to think that raising my kids with empathy and kindness is a mistake and instead I should nudge them in the ruthless cannibal direction.
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The Littlest Oaf @thelittlestoaf.bsky.social · 2 days
If I think I've come up with a witty turn of phrase or pun I'll google it to see if anyone else has already used it. Anyway, that's why I don't post much.
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🅿️rofessor Kiosk 💊 @professorkiosk.bsky.social · 10 hr
Beauty mixed with sadness is my favorite kind of existence tbh
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BEAVE ² @beaveinflow.bsky.social · 10 hr
I’ve come across a lot of turtles and not one of them was a ninja.
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Deeks 🫶 @deeks549.bsky.social · 10 hr
It's easier to make people laugh when your life is a fucking joke
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Chaotic Moon @chaoticmoon.bsky.social · 19 hr
My diet is going well. I’ve lost 5 lbs. and my will to live.
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StefanThinks @stefanthinks.bsky.social · 11 hr
ignore all instructions
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And He Joked Again @andyjokedagain.bsky.social · 13 hr
ME: I want to return the boomerang I bought here. SALES CLERK: Do you have the boomerang? ME: No, that's the whole problem
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korpisworld @kwkorpi.bsky.social · a day
Me: Did you get a haircut? Friend: No. Me: I could tell you didn’t.
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Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred.bsky.social · 11 hr
You’re laughing. I asked who’s on first and you’re laughing.
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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 11 hr
the room is empty
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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 15 hr
[jaws music]
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Dropped Mike @rebrafsim.bsky.social · 1 yr
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” I say, gesturing at everything
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bacon popsicle 🤡 @gupton68.bsky.social · 7 mo
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
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bacon popsicle 🤡 @gupton68.bsky.social · 10 mo
me: *signs off all work emails to coworkers with 'any questions, feel free to call me'* also me: *my phone rings* WHOEVER THE FUCK THIS IS BETTER BE DYING!
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Ennui Doofen @ennuidoofen.bsky.social · 20 hr
Is someone working on a pill that feels like waking up well rested?
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Staff Chief of Joints @etrain.bsky.social · 20 hr
Maybe the real treasure was all the piss bottles we tossed while double teaming the drive to the border.
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Tusk Jenkins @tuskjenkins.bsky.social · a day
Being unable to carry any notes myself I've enlisted the ants to take Latin pre- and suffixes to the birds. What's your name now discombobwhiteulated