The Onion: — Subium • Bluesky web client

Jimmy Carter Becomes Second President Convicted Of Felony For Sticking Up Waffle Housewww.theonion.com PLAINS, GA—On the heels of Donald Trump receiving guilty verdicts on 34 felony counts in New York, Jimmy Carter became the second president ever convicted of a crime Friday after a jury found he broke...

ever since Rosalynn passed, he's just been off the rails

Doing rails is what's keeping him alive actually

waiting on someone to google jimmy carter and see this as fact.

Destruction drive of a widower with nothing left to lose but pride in a Waffle House scuffle. Don't step on his kicks or malign his flapjacks.

Fake news. No one sticks up a Waffle House, everyone knows you fight in one.

Somehow the first person to survive an attempt to stick up a Waffle House.

He'll execute every last one of you

Be cool, Honey Bunny

Not a jury in the world that would convict him

Law-enforcement says they’ll catch Carter as soon as the battery dies in this wheelchair.

"This is a waffle habitat now, bitch."

I'm trying to decide if Jimmy would find this funny.

I think he might have, up until the part where "No one, not even a Nobel Peace Prize laureate, can—for no apparent reason—pistol-whip a patron sitting at a restaurant’s counter and then pour a carafe of piping hot coffee onto his face. Not without facing consequences." No no no

Yeah.

People will go buck wild for hash browns.

I remember when the Onion was funny.

Finally got to do it bsky.app/profile/jpha...

one of these days I hope to be the guy who replies “I remember when the onion was funny” to a popular article

It's good to have goals. :)

You had me going

this one is good, shut up

I agree, I just saw my chance and took it.

"They made me sell my farm & that fat fuck charged them standard room rate!" Carter said, firing is gun into the air.

the onion's back again baby [wolf howl]

Big fan, but… Do you guys need some help with content? I know it’s tough now days but, sometimes no post is better than a post like this.

Jimmy Carter is going to die and return later that day as the 2nd coming and Republicans will convert to Scientology immediately.

Dammit Jimmy!

What was his hashbrown order?

Clearly just trying to score some extra cash to head down to Florida for spring break.

Side note, thought he died last year, apparently newp

I look forward to this showing up in the search engine AI summary with the next training run.

BREAKING: all hospice staff where Carter was being treated found drained of all fluids and crumbled into ash when handled. This is a developing story.

See we know this is fake cause you don’t rob a Waffle House It would be a suicide by staff

Classic Jimmy

You sure it wasn't actually Billy?

There's still time, JC

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