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@usernamenull.bsky.social

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“Maybe some other time” he said, stepping into his time machine.
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I like to pretend I’m a cat and sit on my husband’s face when he’s napping.
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Thought I’d try working my core today with some planks. Am I doing them right?
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(Clinging desperately to the fragile threads of my humanity) sure no problem I’d love to hop on a quick call
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Friend: I found a circuit board just lying in the grass. Me: Ew, put it down! That's robot poop. Friend: There's no such... Me: You'll get a nasty byte. Friend: Me: It's true.
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Cant respond, I’m putting my snake tail in my mouth
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My toxic trait is hiding important documents so well that I can never find them again
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Me(being chased by a bumblebee): ok so what are weeeEEEE
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If u need a life coach I’m available- meet me at the bar next to the meth clinic…first round of shots are on me😛
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I'm either gonna overshare, or share nothing at all with you there's really no in between
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I’m sorry I’m late, it’s just there is so much suffering in the world and your sense of entitlement fills me with rage so I needed a little snackaroo and a smokey smoke so I could have the strength to keep this fake ass smile on my face. How about you? How’s your day?
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Adulting means being able to play with your food.
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He asked why I’m so loud during sex I tried to explain that it’s my whoremoans
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Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, I’m a really good book
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the two things in this world that bring me joy are petty victories and pancakes
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Yes, I dated a model, but it was a train set.
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Debating on putting gas in my car or buying a new outfit.
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“This is working really well for me. Time to fuck with it until it breaks.” - my personal philosophy, apparently
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They call 3rd base the hot corner, so I say we call shortstop the hot pocket.
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it’s not a cry for help. it’s just allergies for help
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Don’t worry, you will all get your chance to turn me down for the blue sky prom
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if someone has the power to stop the world then they have a responsibility to attend to more pressing concerns than melting with you
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*pulls away from kissing You taste just like my mom.