filth_waste

Me: *spends 15 minutes massaging my dog in warm water and scented soap, then takes another ten minutes meticulously drying him and telling him what a good boy he is* My dog: That was the worst experience of my life!

Reposted by

filth_waste

She was speaking at her mother's funeral at a church she didn't belong to with a dress she'd never have worn. Her freshly shaven leg was bleeding profusely while I kept thinking who else is seeing this, and will it drip on the holy carpet. Now she's dead, but not from that

Reposted by

filth_waste

my attachment style is that it's best if we need passports to see each other

Reposted by

filth_waste

recommending my dentist to a friend and asking for my referral bonus to be paid in teeth

Reposted by

filth_waste

no i will not “nut up” i’ve got a severe allergy which you would know if you ever listened

Reposted by

filth_waste

Sitting on a large speaker with music playing just to feel something.

Reposted by

filth_waste

Me too wax statue Abe Lincoln meee tooo

thinking about the battle dicks sporting goods had to go through to secure the rights to dicks.com

Reposted by

filth_waste

I don’t want to die, but if you ever bring me back from the dead, you’d better have a damn good reason for dragging me back to this shithole of a universe.

Reposted by

filth_waste

see thru mine to why it can't be what I want for you this strange air it's hard to tell you'll have hell to prove to these phonies in your dream it's all real it's meaningful you're worth something beautiful but I can't give you what you have already like you can't give me what I gave up to be here

Reposted by

filth_waste

Received text from daughter: “Mom, there have been confirmed reports of a tornado that’s touched ground in your area. Please be safe.” [Immediately runs outside to see]

Reposted by

filth_waste

all sales are final. look beyond the sale, there is nothing. not even light

Reposted by

filth_waste

when things are hard i think about how cool it’d be if they weren’t

Reposted by

filth_waste

I’m a creator in the way that I create unrealistic scenarios in my head, an artist of some sort

Reposted by

filth_waste

So thankful two neighbors across the street from each other started their Harleys, and are screaming at each other in conversation while revving their engines. Having that conversation before starting the bikes would've just been stupid.

Reposted by

filth_waste

Sorry you guys have to get your sandwich recipes from somewhere else now. I make a mean bologna sandwich if anyone is interested in knowing what I put in it. Mustard. I put mustard.

in fairness, i can't handle you at your worst or best and most assuredly deserve neither

i’m about to end this man’s whole career…unless he’s an artist in which case i’m about to create this man’s whole career