At the library, with my son. Little kid walks up.
Kid: Is he one year old?
Me: Yes! One and a month.
Kid: Are you his daddy?
Me: Yes!
Kid: But he’s a baby and you look like a grandpa.
Me: Well, I’m his daddy.
Kid: But why do you look like a grandpa?
Me:
Next time tell the kid you're a time traveler and while you were away in the future, you got stuck there for a while and you've really only been gone a few minutes in the present. Then describe some really weird-ass stuff from the future. Blow the kid's mind.
"Grandpa Daddy: Adventures in Older Parenting" by Peter Sagal, out May 2026 from Harper Collins
"A wincingly funny memoir of parenthood" -- Publishers Weekly
"It's true, he's old AF" -- John Scalzi
I guess I'll ask the question everyone's surely wondering: were you able to fit the entire kid through the overnight return slot or did they get stuck in it?
When we took my younger son (he’s now 25) for a haircut when he was a toddler, a woman in the shop asked if I was his grandfather. I was in my early 40s then, probably the first significant moment I realized I was mortal.
“I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. Pokeballs on fire off the shoulder of Unova, i watched fidget spinners glitter in the dark near the Glasshouse gate. All these moments will be lost in time; now buzz off.”
When our youngest was 3, the two of us were leaving Meijer and the greeter said something to my son about "shopping with grandpa." I attributed the comment to the bounty of gray hairs the lad had personally installed on my head in his early years.
“Kid, how does my physical appearance in any way, shape, or form, indicate that I’ve had children who have also had children?”
If you speak to them like they’re a reasonably intelligent adult they just get confused and run away.
It’s super fun.
When my wife and I were just dating, she took me to a wedding. I still smoked cigarettes back then, and as I was outside having one, a child wandered up and asked me why I smoked when I knew that they were bad for me. I responded that I wanted to die to get away from children like him.
It worked.
Well, yeah, but only quite recently and for only 12 minutes. Plus I’d quit smoking 16 years ago, so it probably had nothing to do with my heart attack.
I feel seen.
Even better is the octagenarian grandmother who sees you with your young child and, giving you a conspiratorial wink, says "Don't you just love it when mom & dad let you take the grandkid out for the day?"
The neighbour's little girl caught me putting my motorbike away.
Girl: Hello old man.
Me: Hello.
Girl: Are you a boy or a girl?
Me: Errr, a boy?
Girl: Why are you wearing earrings?
Me: ....
This is going to be me except I'm going to tell that kid his mom calls me upset every night talking about how she wants to give him up for adoption because she never wanted him but she lives in a state where abortion is illegal
My dad got this a lot, maybe most notably when he came at the end of my official Jr High graduation party and danced with me. “She’s dancing with her grandpa,” said with a kind of alarm (faux pas alert! not the done thing!)
We never gave a s**t. Grandpa-looking dads are awesome.
Me: Wait an' see, how you will look like at my age, child.
I know, you can't imagine what this means. So, don't ask me about my exact age. Having grey hair is absolutely normal.
the end
When my twins were toddlers we had a few embarrassing encounters because one decided that everyone with gray hair was either a grandma or a grandpa and would LOUDLY point out all the grandmas and grandpas 🫠
