Sometimes i wake up at 3 am in a cold sweat imagining someone saying, "if you actually cared you would have made it a priority"
And then I panic set 17 more alarms for everything
Oh my god im sorry but I have to jump into your conversations because I had the exact same report cards. "She doesn't try" what does that MEAN?? I did the thing, I got the A for achievement, what is "trying" ??!!!
Comments very welcome on my part! Still new to this and stepping through all the "am I really adhd?" "hang on I did this as a kid too... and that.. that too... and that as an adult". And being more than a bit angry at How Damned Long It Took.
That "you just need to apply yourself" really screwed me up. Created this cycle of anxiety > mistake > depression > repeat.
I take Wellbutrin because it helps with the executive functioning, but also curbs the shame spiral I fall into if I make a mistake or forget to do something.
The childhood part is still mostly a mystery and I don't think I had enough for it to be diagnosed, specifically because I had family that plugged the gaps. Made me do things, got me places. I would procrastinate a lot, that's really it. So I don't have an official diagnosis. Just ritalin. Lol
Now it feels like I'm doing things backwards :). GP diagnosis, therapist diagnosis, psychiatrist diagnosis.
Final session for medication on Monday. Gods.
The childhood stuff I'm remembering because there's SO MUCH REVISITING IT through that process. May it be over soon and I move on.
I got that for never doing homework. I was getting As on the quizzes and tests. When I said that I found the work easy and boring (I needed only the in-class instruction to understand it) the result was more anger.
Going through all my old report cards recently and they read *exactly* like this. My ADHD presenting itself as the kind that little girls get is very gender-affirming after the fact I guess
I'm confused now is one supposed to try harder than an A
Or is this one of those "oh you aren't paying attention" thing, but longer term? There's always something that just.. sigh.
I did a course on time management(resume stuff) and it didn't change anything, compared to my therapist just telling me methods to have more control over the schedule (clock that I can physically move around, whiteboard for quick tasks), it's incredible
People are astonished at how methodical & deliberate my workflow is because my workspace is a disaster area, as if these facts aren't intimately related
I get told every couple of months that I'm not to do anything else until my office is cleaned up and organized. Then they get frustrated with me because I can't find anything until my stacks return. And yeah alarms... sometimes help? Not when I have stuff clustered together though.
35, high-functioning despite massive struggles behind the scenes. Finally giving myself the grace to seek diagnosis. I’m hoping things get easier eventually.
After putting it off for…far longer than I’d like to admit, I finally have an appointment. Got a recommend from one of my lovelies for a doc that l can trust to give me a fair eval.
I’ve got high hopes.
I can’t remember which book it was in but the author had a patient who wasn’t dx’ed until age 88. She spent the next couple years of therapy learning to forgive herself for a lifetime of self-loathing and perceived failures. I think about her a lot
neither of my parents was ever diagnosed but when my mom heard my diagnostic criteria she was like “…well I know where you get THAT from.” At nearly 70. She just masked/developed coping tools like WHOA. And my dad reads EXTREMELY like AuDHD. Including my dyspraxia.
