Smokey the Bear: only you can prevent forest fires
Me: how did they get prevented before I was born
Smokey the Bear: ok well yes, others can also-
Me: too late Smokey the Liar
my dog shakes his head in the middle of guests on my porch sending giant dog drool flying. They yell "eww!" and he gets so excited they're celebrating him he can't stop wagging his tail
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
The year is 2024. Nobody can afford meat. Women are only for breeding now. There’s an appeal to heaven flag at your obgyn office. A door fell off an airplane and killed your dog. Happy Independence Day
a year ago today, i had a stent placed in my liver due to cancer limiting bile flow, over the next 12 months I had two more stents placed as my cancer receded due to chemo and I'm happy to report that on monday all 3 stents came out!
tough but great year and i'm gonna eat a hotdog about it
