drewtoothpaste

@drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

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author of Toothpaste For Dinner

i make tshirts at dashare.zone & thenewsharingmachine.com

more of my comics: instagram.com/drewtoothpaste and @dasharez0ne.bsky.social

listen to my quantum/alien/occult podcast at https://www.garbagebrainuniversity.com

Posts Replies Media

Harvard revokes man's Ph.D, announces that he will now be known as Masters Degree Disrespect

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drewtoothpaste

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drewtoothpaste

"Go back to reddit" and "you are a disney adult" are both devastating roasts here. But they don't work on me since I am banned from both.

when you've lived in vermont for a year they send this guy around to congratulate you

sorry to the United Kingdom but if you want to upstage us on our special fireworks day an election isn't going to do it. we don't even know how those work

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drewtoothpaste

"broken clock is right twice a day" sucks. i hate this phrase. i want to design a better broken clock. when you shake it (sounds of loose gears and springs) it will tell you a random time that is not the current, correct time. it will be right no times a day. this ain't your grandpa's broken clock

i have never been more sure of anything

me, tomorrow, when i drop a hot dog on the ground and try not to panic as i casually try to brush it off but none of the crap comes off

all food sold commercially should have a big lump of chocolate in the bottom like Drumsticks

i harvested some baby eggplant and some huge fennel from the garden this week 🌱

everyone online: Okay so here's what we do, we invoke the 25th amendment and add 6 Justices to Supreme Court, and if we can convince 5 senators to run the Constitutional Protocol, the actual government: Starting in 2026 if you make under $40,000 a year the Space Force will use you for fuel

american television advertisements told americans that breakfast was the most important meal, and americans accepted this as fact and repeated it to each other. given this level of epistemology no one should be allowed to wonder how we ended up here

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drewtoothpaste

there is nothing I could possibly care about less than a powerful dissent. oh good job you wrote an essay, I'm sure that will help

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drewtoothpaste

does anyone have a extra canada invite code

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drewtoothpaste

For the first time in American history, a judge has ordered a sitting President to fix his elbow skin - it is the first use of the writ of man's weenus.

had to pull up this 1-900-hotdog article by @jasonkpargin.bsky.social and the anime he talks about is even worse than i remember from reading it the first time 1900hotdog.com/2022/05/anim...

Anime Week: JoJo's Ape Episode! 🌭 - 1-900-HOTDOG Store1900hotdog.com Cursed artifacts from the wrong dimension every weekday.

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drewtoothpaste

I don’t want a cyber truck. I want a 1983 Chevrolet El Camino and a cowboy hat.

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drewtoothpaste

If you find a tiny guy you’ve pretty much peaked for the day it’s all downhill from there

if you are good you go to Heaven. if you are really good (REALLY good) they let you have a Chain Wallet up There

My doctor: It's actually amazing he has survived Posting Disease for over 50 years. Me: A sesame seed bun should be made entirely of sesame seeds My doctor: If there's anything you want to say, do it now My grandchildren: Goodbye. We love you Me: Air conditioner where is air shampoo

a view of the green mountains from the 84th-tallest mountain in Vermont, and a view of the green mountains from my neighbor's farm

astronauts should form a union so NASA will stop murking them

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drewtoothpaste

just found out that a man unknown to me is apparently gardening at my house when i’m not there and bringing my neighbors food and claiming we’re friends? i don’t know no ARON what the FUCK

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drewtoothpaste

I’m hearing that time marches inexorably onwards? Is this right?? Mods????