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@misterblank.bsky.social

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just a bad comedian your new boyfriend’s better than

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I used to add “or die tryin” to all my plans before I learned I could just eat nachos and let things take care of themselves

me: [shouting over crowd at bob marley concert] BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BIG THINGS.

me: i do superliminal advertising. date: you mean sublimi- me: [directly in her face] BUY PEAS.

interviewer: are you comfortable with constant supervision? cyclops: yes i’ve got these special glasses.

remember republicans - electing kamala harris would absolutely destroy hillary clinton.

Reply to

Stationkeeper

no this is about bug spray

Reply to

Stationkeeper

no i’m talking about bug spray

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when he was younger, they called him Glove Romney. it was only in his late 20s he decided to go by Mitt.

hm he does have the face of a glove

inventor: it’s called bug spray it smells real bad. customer: oh and the smell keeps bugs away? inventor: anyway that’ll be $10.

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Writing a surrealist piece of kafkaesque fiction under the working title of Murder Pajamas

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Please hold. Or, if you would like to receive a return call without losing your place in line, press 1 and a representative will be there shortly to hold you until then.

i bet editors get sad sometimes that none of the letters ask about THEIR life.

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beyond satire you see he opened his mind through education and that's what causes the division with his mom who watches right wing propaganda 24 hours a day

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Slurping every drop from my juice box before telling you to kiss my ass

pronounces yosemite like “yeh-low-stohn”

ghost 1: ghost 2: ghost 1: ghost 2: ghost 1: [snickers] nice cinematic timing on that jump scare buddy. ghost 2: oh shut up.

going to a concert tonight and i hope they don’t play the music too loud i gotta get to bed right after and i don’t wanna get all riled up.

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I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

hiker: i think we’re lost. me: follow me. hiker: do you know the way? me: no i just don’t wanna smell your farts.

“be the bigger person” i mutter, laying another strip of newspaper on the massive papier-mâché human suit i’m building to confront my neighbor.

date: i want us to be exclusive. me: okay. [to waiter] don’t you dare fucking talk to me.

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People will complain about face masks looking ridiculous and then wear solidarity bandages on their ears.

Look me dead in my eyes and tell me this is real America is punking us, there is no way

Reply to

alber

you dope this is obviously supposed to say “biased”

are you mad?! those caps have only made the dunces more aerodynamic!

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[family gathering] me: can I get a picture of the table? everyone: *leans in, smiling* me: you’re all blocking the table

🎵oh i wish i were an oscar meyer wiener. that is what i’d really like to beeee🎵 🎵cause if i were an oscar meyer weinerrrrr i would be incapable of thought or emotion.

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Going into Spencer's Gifts and just playing with these for fucking ever

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i love the phrase "something or other." the idea of "something" being too specific. i cant commit to it being something

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TWISTER is such a great movie. The good storm chasers have sensors that are balls, which are round and wholesome, and the bad storm chasers have sensors that are cubes, the most evil shape.