batkaren

@batkaren.bsky.social

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my mom fucked a bat

just my bullshit: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:6ljac3gxzqxy56fhx7qu3jqd/feed/aaali652rhjzc

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It’s come to my attention many of you are taking liberties when grinding your enemies’ bones to powder. Granite mortar and pestle, or kindly get the shitting fuck out of my clubhouse.

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batkaren

A hybrid remix novel of Moby Dick and Infinite Jest, but just the parts about tying knots and playing tennis. It is 900 pages long.

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batkaren

I’m a hostage. Send reinforcements — I can’t fight him on my own.

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batkaren

You gotta respect marine biologists because if you don't, all their buddies are nightmarish abyssal creatures. You don't need those kinds of enemies in your life.

Given the average American’s lifespan in 1789, any true constitutional originalist should refuse a lifetime appointment past their 40th birthday.

Launching a map service where I give directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to an old mansion with a crone sitting on the porch—turn the angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

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batkaren

Having long hair means the dust bunnies under the couch have hair extensions.

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batkaren

Might just fuck around and admit between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Go on, show me where in the bible it says Thou Shall Not Eat Butt.

Can’t I just text the Ghostbusters?

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batkaren

And now the eternal question: a plain bagel with cream cheese or a blueberry muffin the size of my head

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batkaren

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batkaren

My crow brought back the shiny pinky ring of a mobster and now we’re on the run.

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batkaren

Docs ask how many concussions you had/when they happened and it's like c'mon all I know is that I got hit a lot in my memory spot

‘Dark and brooding, Heathcliff stared across the misty moors and muttered, “I hate Mondays, but damn I love lasagna.”’ Emily crumpled up the paper. No. Something just wasn’t working.

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batkaren

You don't have to wait until Halloween to dress up as a mummy. You can just do that now and wrap yourself in bandages and wander around and vomit swarms of scarabs on people. You don't need October for that. You can turn their blood to black ichor with fell magicks in July. You're an adult, it's ok.

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batkaren

New setting just dropped: nobody can reply except for your mom.

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batkaren

Sometimes I can feel it taking up space, that little cluster in my brain still trying to decide whether to run for 7th Grade Homeroom Representative

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batkaren

Hoping to get rich or famous today so consequences will no longer apply to me

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batkaren

I’ve been thinking lately and that’s been a terrible decision

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batkaren

Your honor, you’re a tool of the man

Stop doing things for shits and giggles. You’re just making the Shits and Giggles Fairy stronger. Hungrier…

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batkaren

*digging through an old box of junk* Dangit! I never did get this haunted VHS tape digitized

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batkaren

I've watched enough of the Tour de France that I think I could do it

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batkaren

Interesting how "respect for the dead" only ever means "don't mention the horrible things powerful people did in their obituaries" and never means "don't dig up dead celebrities and puppeteer their corpses for fun and profit".

Earlier this week, AI company ElevenLabs said it is bringing digitally produced celebrity voice-overs of deceased actors to its newly launched Reader app. The company said the app takes articles, PDF, ePub, newsletters, e-books or any other text on your phone and turns it into voice-overs.

AI resurrects deceased actors’ voices to read audiobooks | CNN Businesscnn.it Actress Judy Garland never recorded her voice to read an audiobook of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, but you’ll soon be able to hear her rendition of the children’s novel that inspired the movie nonethel...

One awkward aspect of The Handmaid’s Tale becoming reality now is how the names will all be like Ofchad and Ofdylan. Maybe an Oftucker or Ofblane. Ofspencer.

Happy Final Independence Day

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batkaren

you expect ME to pay bills? me. a former baby. you sound insane right now.

I gave it about 10 seconds of silence, just hanging in the air between us, before I said “and how would I retrieve the key from the mailbox?” The woman was just like “oh. Right.”

Just remembering the time I moved into a new apartment and the management company forgot to leave me a mailbox key, then when I called about it, they offered to mail it to me 😒

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batkaren

me: time to check in online and see what merriment is afoot online: here’s a horrifying tale you can do nothing about