Matty

@bestestname.bsky.social

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Bluesky is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you

https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:n3kxj4fonot7lg67tmakj4dn/feed/aaacgs3xfjaw4

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Matty

hey the 90s called, it's a collect call

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Matty

Bluesky went down for 10 minutes and that's still longer than most straight guys are willing to.

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Matty

It’s odd how many people on the internet lie about spitting out their drink.

Let's try not to let the news ruin Prime Day

Me: Something is burning in here Europe: It's a cigarette

I miss the murder hornets

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Matty

Me: I want you. Her: I want really good ice cream.

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Matty

The 3 stages of breaking news 1. Cathartic jokes 2. Conspiracy theories 3. Political posturing

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Matty

I'd take regular happy people. They don't necessarily have to be shiny.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

I'll check your voice mail as soon as I'm drunk enough

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Matty

spending the day hiding in a cardboard box on the floor

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Matty

Your criminal record is impressive babe you could get a job at Wendy’s with that

Donating some money to politicians and giving them the phone numbers of my enemies

Everyone: men shouldn't take selfies Men: so other people will take pictures of us? Everyone: also no

Can't. A celebrity I haven't thought about in 20 years died.

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Matty

Carrying a banana in my pocket in case someone gives me an easy layup.

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Matty

The US should switch to Celsius to make it cooler at night

People be like IDGAF and then spend time looking for matching socks

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Matty

i can never quite tell when they’re ripe

If you can't be careful, be lucky

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Matty

you can sustain a man’s life on youtube & rotisserie chicken alone for over a dozen years

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Matty

Alarm clocks are just dream cops.

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Matty

Truth is stranger than fiction. Science is nerd magic. A bird could be your dad

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Matty

Live, laugh, launch me into the sun.

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Matty

I need a few days to recover from the fact that life is still happening

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Matty

Level of hot today: the devil's butthole

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Matty

that sounds like something a person who is being enabled would say

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Matty

happy birthday, hot dog

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Matty

On the 4th you’re not allowed to use toilet paper you have to use strips of firecrackers