I keep thinking about this video where an autistic woman explained that neurotypical people ask questions with the aim of eliciting shame (what a fool you are for not knowing that), whereas autistic people ask questions because they are interested in the answers.
This has been a point of frustration my entire life.
People will often ask questions they do not want answered and then be offended when I respond in good faith, or ask only to mock whatever response I give.
To have the reason why explained so clearly a revelation.
I still don't understand why neurotypical people do this, but now that I can recognize what's happening, I can feel somewhat less hurt and bewildered by it, because I know it's not me that's the problem.
It also helps explain why neurotypical people get so defensive when you ask them questions: They're expecting to be mocked.
But when I ask, "Why are you doing it that way?" I'm wondering why you're doing it that way (sincere). Maybe there's something I can learn from you that I hadn't considered.
Ah, see I tense up when someone asks me a question like that because for many years when I was young those kinds of questions were the opening volley of a deluge of verbal abuse.
I hate that.
I have to consciously remember that my voice sounds flat to people when I speak, and consciously remember that neurotypicals ask questions in bad faith, and consciously remember to try to rephrase it, uptick, or force a smile when I ask things.
It's a lot of work and it's stressful.
I feel this deeply. My spouse comes from a family that asks “Why are you doing it like that?” as a prelude to criticizing—vs. as an invitation to share—why/what you’re doing. That’s one of many communication hurdles we experienced early in our marriage.
Of course, I noticed it early in life and I was surrounded by 'fluent in sarcasm' and generally passive-aggressive people, so I eventually learned to just interpret *every* question as an attack. Even now, I'm often uncomfortably defensive with completely mundane questions.
Can you address the weird obsession with faces and "looking people in the eye"? I'm convinced it was a huge part of the masking hysteria, as well as anti-Muslim freakouts.
Why is standing side-by-side and having a conversation so hard?
I've started including the part after the quotes nearly every time I ask a question (especially at work and/or when the subject is highly technical or emotional), so as to leave zero room for any misinterpretation of my intent. Neurotypicals often need things spelled out just as plainly as we do.
same! it took me a really long time to figure this out, both about me/other autistic folks, & about the people who ask questions as a form of attack/shaming. now i very rarely answer questions from folks i don’t know until i acsertain motive, & never answer those who are attacking.
it’s funny bc even if i fall into communication mishaps with autistic friends there’s a kind of underlying trust there—like a filmmaker pal in the uk asks for feedback knowing i’ll give him the genuine article—we both trust the motivations behind the ask & the honesty of the answer.
We tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, because we ourselves are so used to being misunderstood.
Conflict resolution between autistics is, comparatively, so much easier.
I think a lot of times people want to know whether you (the other) think you know the thing
and if you do think you know the thing, then to qualify your knowledge (to what extent you know, how you'll act if they ask you to explain what you know, whether you consider it "prized" knowledge)
Honestly, the NT people who do this do it because they’re kind of (or more than kind of) jerks.
In some cases they’re hurt/scared, but usually it’s the jerk thing.
Yeah this is quite a thing between people. I would even go so far and say: If I feel that people do this, I withdraw from them.
It's just not a way of solving anything or going forward with something.
People mocking me for things I don't know, instead of explaining? You're out! 💪
yeah there's been a handful of times where I've been asked "Have you seen my [XYZ] lately?" and if I tell them "No, sorry" I get a really snarky ass "Thanks."
If you don't want a response, don't ask the question, you dingus
The times when I’ve seen that happen it is because the actual question is “will you help me look for my [XYZ]?” So the “thanks” is snarky because they heard “no” when (they thought) they had asked for help.
with respect this does not seem right at all and would require the vast majority of the population to essentially be evil bullies? I'm not saying it doesn't ever happen but I don't think that's like a "neurotypical" trait, that's just someone being a jerk
I think what Nico was pointing to has nothing to do with good faith and bad faith and everything to do with the cultural norms and customs around how and why we ask questions. To be clear, there is some intersection between "bath faith" and the norms of asking questions, but they are distinct.
that thread is about the specifics of using questions to shame people which is definitely A Thing, but my point is a) that is not exclusive to neurotypical people and b) that is not the *only* or even *a common* reason NT people ask questions
The thread that I wrote is a broad generalization based on a video I watched some eight months ago directly inspired by an incident from my actual life, and it somehow gained traction.
There's no need to #NotAllNeurotypicals this.
From what I understood from the video, it was a deliberate generalization used to demonstrate broad differences in language usage between autistic and neurotypical people, and it helped me put a lot of things in context in my life.
I'm not making any medical claims here, haha.
Yeah, I think (based on my admittedly-somewhat-confusing experience as a late-diagnosed autistic) calling it an NT/ND split is a bit off. It's maybe more of a hostile behavior some people engage in, that ND folks are significantly more likely to come into conflict with.
So, while I understand the professor's meaning, I feel like in this situation the framing flattens both the NT and ND experience in ways that are unhelpful. Calling it an NT thing conflates manipulative behavior, neurological difference, social dynamics, and genuine misunderstanding.
There’s no behavior exclusive to one group of humans or another. We’re too diverse and messy for anything but fuzzy categories. But on a *population* level, those fuzzy categories and patterns are useful for understanding ourselves and the social context we struggle to exist in.
The original statement wasn't about a trend or tendency - but also I don't even think it's accurate as a trend or tendency divided along NT/ND lines. Like there are absolutely asshole ND people who use questions as weapons lol - I just think stuff like this diminishes both NT and ND people.
The original statement was summarizing someone else’s video where they talk about behavior at this fuzzy category level, within a character limit that doesn’t allow nuance. I personally do think it’s accurate. It puts a useful frame on something that comes up a lot in ND social groups 🤷
it is really very common, which is why so many react so badly if you ask them a simple question, like “why?”
they are hearing implications that aren’t there with (most) ND people
They also shame by asking in a way that questions the validity of the answer/decision, as opposed to just wanting to know the content. I find this most when I ask content questions and people answer as if I've asked a validity question. "Which shoes are you wearing tonight?" (so I can help by >>
Yep, exactly. There's a secret judgement hidden in every question, rather than, you know, just wanting to know stuff so you can adjust and plan accordingly.
Ah yes, my favorite interaction
Me: [a question]
Person: [immediately starts defensively answering assumed follow-up questions]
Me: "No, I'm not trying to narc on you, I just want to know [initial question almost verbatim]"
Kinda like how nt people consider being corrected on something incorrect they said, to be "rude" or you being a "know it all."
But autistic people tend to correct or share information just bc they're trying to help and/or find the information interesting
